Mind of a producer

Fantastic Voyage

2006-02-13T12:27:00.000-05:00

Friday Feb. 10th

12:00 p.m.

I get off the chinese bus (fung wah) with my peoples in new york. I get a call... its a friend of a friend, a lawyer. He loved my music. Wants to do legal work for free how ill is that?? He's a real good dude really down to earth. When I blow that man will come with me.... if he has the patience to wait till I make the big bucks... lol. I need to build a strong core of friends and associates and lock them all down for the long haul.... that is a tough job but "I " gotta do it. Personally i love that part. The pain the struggle the love the hate the money the family the life the bitches the hoes the ass holes the snakes the pussy the ballaz the pimps playaz and hustlaz I love it all. It makes this biz the best. It has the whole world encapsulated within fine walls on a culture. Beautiful

4:00 p.m.

Went to record with a long time Friend and Client. Both very talented and most of all they believe in me. We were in there for four hours and created a hot track that is almost ready to go. That marks a good time period in my life. The popping of a cherry if you must. Great feeling I must say. Met the man who wrote some songs for Aaliyah on her one in a million LP that was an honor, and what's more... he likes my music and that something. The industry in peeking into my closet..... I hope I packed it full of ill shit!!!

11:00 p.m.

Politiced with an engineer who has done things for Michael Jackson, Vanessa Williams, and a couple others. Wants me to come engineer in his studio. What??? You don't have to say nothing but a word.... I'm there!!! But, with a few stipulations, of course. He's real cool. Has a vivid direction to how he wants to play it out. He's been in the game for a while, I can definately learn a few things... I mean a whole lot of things from this man.

Feb. 11th 2006

1:36 a.m.

Got up with a very good friend of mine and went to her "slash" party. Met a few beautiful people and connected with them pretty well... One that I plan on making it a habit to see everytime I'm in NY. There is not enough to say about her.. she is simply amazing and her fiance is absolutly lucky. He really needs to know what he has.... REALLY! or someone will take that... quick...

8:30 a.m.

Woke up after the party after i slept on her couch and went back to my hotel room. I was DONE!!! back all hurting lol but i was feeling real good about that day that just passed. Got to the hotel and got 1 - 2 hours tops of sleep which brings my weekend total tooooo.... 3 yeah!!!!!

During this time I caught up with friend and family on the phone. Spoke to one of my good friends. And another one of my NY peoples who is lazy as shit and she knows who she is...yes, you, SUPA!!!!!!

Checked in wit my son... awwww man.. he loves DADDY!!!!!

3:00 p.m.

Went down to the city caught a flick. Underworld evolution. The main actress is sexy. i might just marry her but i'm not sure yet ;) shot the shit with street peddlers. Favorite line. Don't sell me your garbage CD I do what you do 10 times bette rthan you could ever do it..... that what you get for trying to peddle bullshit street cd's to a man who has credentials. Peaople always have product but never want to put the effort in to make it hot!

8:00 p.m.

I get a call... "Yo, demo I'ma be late fam"

Its cool fam take your time... I'm just happy you giving me a listen. Met up with someone real hot. Likes my stuff a lot. Not right for his project, but keep in touch. He wants to build more.... why not? Lets do the damn thang! Big business got invited to a red carpet event. Big business, network city! Guess where I'll be?? Judo know?? I won't tell. You'll see me!

11:00 p.m.

Find out busses ain't running tonight so now i gotta troop from Chinatown back uptown to harlem! ::sigh:: all I kept saying to myself is... its part of the struggle. Stay focused!!

Feb. 12

1:39 a.m.

Got to my peoples house

My friend let me stay at her house for the night she is so great. Unlike the lazy friend I have.

10:00 a.m.

Left for china town

12:00 p.m.

Left china town for home

7:00 p.m.

Got home

All the spaces in between you can fillin the blanks. It was a great weekend. I'm on cloud nine :)

A write up for Grafh I did for hiphopsite.com

2006-02-06T18:11:00.000-05:00

In the world of hip-hop no one ever gets to see the side of every artist when they are outside of their role as a performer. A performer's true self is, more often than not, shrouded in the guise of the ever so common bling-bling, the sports cars, rims, women, money and so forth. Enter Grafh; one of music’s rising renaissance men. Grafh’s success is far from a secret in the entertainment role. Whether you’ve heard of his Black Hand label or if you’ve seen him on television with Dame Dash taping the ultimate hustler show on BET, Grafh’s name has been synonymous with success and as the hood puts it: grind.

Just coming from a photo shoot, for the cover of his soon to be released debut album “Autografh”, I caught up with Grafh to talk about life, music, and his goals for the two. While speaking to him I slowly realized that there is a thin line, if any, between his role as an artist or as a man in society. “Autografh” is set to be a not just an ordinary debut album, but a very introspective piece. From top to bottom it will mark the official introduction of Grafh into the game, his John Hancock if you will.

“I take you through a journey through my whole life as a youth growing up to being a grown ass man now”

This won’t be an album with a target demografhic (pun intended) as he puts it…

“I make music for every one”

The rap Michael Jackson… Big shoes to fill but if anyone had the feet to do it, it could be him.

When asked about the album’s production, second to his lyrics, this is probably where he takes most of his pride in. He wasn’t going after all big name producers or all the hot ones. He went after people he believed in as people and as producers. Above all of their abilities he labels the producers as musicians, which is pretty rare in hip-hop. To often do you find a “producer” who doesn’t take the time out to appreciate music for what it is. The album’s soundscape is forged by Developed, Yogi, Kool & Dre, and Ronin.

“If you appreciate good music you’ll appreciate this”

The album wasn’t created to go with any set formula. Grafh makes it a point not to deal with the ideas of formulas. Pointing out the mix tape game he explains to me that that formula has been used and abused. “Mix tapes nowadays are trash”. We all come to terms with that same notion when we buy some of these mix tapes. They lack originality, direction, and emotion.

Grafh’s reasoning for doing his mix tapes?: “To keep my buzz, I make like a song a day with no place to put it but the streets”

The reason he did this album?: He did it for the fans of his music.

This ties into his most memorable moment in making this album. At a show he leaked the song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” on stage to give the crowd new material. After the show people came to him and thanked him for that song.

“Getting a reaction from the people is satisfying, when they feel what I felt when I wrote the song…”

I asked him about the notion that there are no fans in the world anymore, referring to the song on the emcee’s (Jin) latest release.

“There are fans, but is sucks if you’re not a leader. If you can’t influence the minds of those that follow you its hard. Be a trendsetter and people will follow what you do. I’m a fan. I like music in my c.d. player right now you can find bands like audio slave, and U2, if I’m feeling Jazzy I’ll throw is some Miles Davis. I hardly listen to rap because everyone coming out is garbage.”

Grafh had 100% control over this album which is an added testament to his versatility as an artist, musician, and business man. Manned with his own photographers, van’s rappers, singers, engineers, and producer’s everything on this album is self contained and deeply rooted in the blackhand family.

The future for this artist/business man seems far from being a “one hitta quitta”. With a clothing line and modeling company in the works its going to be a nice year for Grafh as he positions himself to get his own seat in the billionaire boys club. He is also in the works to develop and release artists such as Shalone, Orbit, Prinz, and Don Palmer.

Grafh thanks all his fans and supporters that have been there since day one and all who have signed onto him recently. Dedicating his music partly to them, because they recognize the pain and struggle which is a universal language. To learn more and hear more from Grafh you can visit his myspace.com page ( www.myspace.com/grafhblackhand) or his website ( www.grafh.com). Autografh is slated to his stores in the spring or 2006.

My weekend.....

2006-02-06T13:05:00.000-05:00

A very good one.... aside from the fact that I had to work..... but in between those times.... what the shit man!!!!

Feb 3. 2006

The fort minor tour touched down in boston. The show starred 3 of atlantic records top grossing acts. 1 was Mike Shinoda formally 1/2 frontman of the group linkin park who split off to do his own thing with his own band called "Fort Minor". 2 was everyone's favorite underground hiphop super group "Little brother". 3 was underground heavy weight Apathy. What a great lineup. With the Demigodz backing apathy it was a stage performance to die for. Little brother's show was great too. It was too great.

Why is this significant??

I was back stage thanks to the help of DJ 730 and Matt Conaway. I met Mike Shinoda, Apathy, and little brother (Big Pooh, Phonte, 9th Wonder). I had my little rinky dink press kits with me. I made them myself :D... it had my bio, resume, and a business plan for a cd I'm working on. I gave it to them all. And 2 of them already signed off on the project. The little kid in me did cartwheels, the man in me didn't get flustered. I got everyon's number who would give it to me. I got manager's numbers. Producer's numbers. Artist numbers.... i think my phone gained a few pounds.

I was there actually to interview apathy but do you think i was gonna do my job and be out?? HAHAHAH ur buggin... I did my job and got on my grizzly!!!!! {grizzly = grind}

I was chillin with all of them on their tour buses. I can't wait till i go on tour... them buses was Hizzot!!! I'll make sure i come to some of your cities ;)

That night i left with a new sense of... whats what and who was who.... It was a great night!

Feb 4th 2006

Worked in the morning went to the studio with my new found energy only to rush home to my son. He was crying and screaming... his mother called me and all i could hear was him screamin!
Daddy made it all better trust! but it sucked to put music down for him... when I was feeling it. Well fam comes first.. period!

Feb 5. 2006

Slept all morning... I needed it.. I probably need to take more time to sleep. I should proly take better care of myself... but there is so much work to be done. So much music to be made. In the afternoon I had one of my good friends and his lady come over the house for the superbowl. No one was interested we all chatted about everything else and we were showing off our children. Its so good to be a dad in those time. To be able to brag about something that is yours!!!! I have every right to be like that with my kid. I'm proud and he's been through a lot. He's such a trooper!

untill next time !

you know I don't what I want to write today so I'll just write this one!

2006-01-31T15:24:00.000-05:00

I went to school here in my home state by the name of CATHEDRAL HIGH. Yes I was put through catholic school throughout my life. Never once stepped into a public school for education. To tell you the truth it wouldn't feel right if I did. But in any event I feel like I should let out a few stories about my high school days from freshman to senior periodically through this blog.. it'll be fun.. nostalgia @ its best... it'll be fun remembering all those times that I did what I did or didn't do it.....

BE ON THE LOOK OUT!!!!

SO you WANT me TO mention YOU

2006-01-30T12:12:00.000-05:00

Its funny how people want to be inclusive to things that you do but don't put enough in for all that to go down.

" When you blow you gonna hook me up right?? "

" When you get on don't forget about the little people "

BLAH BLAH BLAH

the fact that you have to say that shows your insecurity about out relationship

If you didn't put in on this you won't get nothing out of it.

simple.

I wanna help as many people as I can.....

But my life support comes first....

so if you:

Part-timin it

Talkin to me when you see me in the mall

Calling me for nothing but your own selfish games

Dangling your accomplishments in fron tof me

trying to get freebies with no intentions of recipication

We have a slight problem in the department of helping you.

This game is forging something I hated my whole life which is a fuck you pay me attitude....

I wanna help but in life.... that simply is a little less than a dream....

Everything has its terms.....

Nothing is free... even a kiss goodnight

Ajar the door is...... creep I must

2006-01-27T09:38:00.000-05:00

So, for the past 2 days I've been chopping it up with 2 management companies. And, Im pretty excited about the situation that I've been presented with. What situation you ask?? The situation is this: They both want me to work with their artist and they both would like to be the reason why I blow up. And, it feels good!!!

But there are pro's and cons to these 2 companies or should I say concerns

Company A:

Pro's

Has plenty of connects and has positioned itself to have a deep and strong cliente base inside and outside of the company.

Hustle is incredible..everyday its a new chapter

Has artists that I WANT to work with

Has media oulets (he's a writer)

Accepts my creativity, and TOTALLY shares my vision

While talking to these folks there wasn't a disagreement. I felt them thouroughly. They seem to have the total package. but the key word is seem.... you never know with folks...

Con's

One thing I'm a little concerned about is their in house cliente base. Its big to my standards. I do not want to be in the down bottom of any group. The other clients have done work for NAS, FAT JOE, SNOOP, 50 CENT..... and I'm not even close to that. My beats may say I'm on or close to their level... but they have a track record... I have yet to hear the ref say go.

Also they work 4 hours away from me, in a different state. And because I'm a real personable person when it comes to my music I can't constantly make 4 hour drives to new york and back again it'll be way to exhausting.....

Company B

Pro's

The type of manager I want. Real earthy, a hustler, small stable and knows people.

Has hook ups to the media and has his own media outlet.

Really wants me to be lead producer.

Is always in the thick of things.

Sets up industry meet and greets.

Con's

Communication is an issue. It sometimes takes them a day to get back at me. (I knew em for about a year now)

Never know what he's up too. Way too secretive. If we gonna rock let me know was good. In this profession you can brag... its ok!

So who is the winner??

Is it clear??

What should I do??

I'll keep talkin to them....

but truth be told... in a day or 2 (business) I'ma have a contract in my hand.....

So I'm Insubordinate

2006-01-25T15:51:00.000-05:00

Really?

in·sub·or·di·nate ( P ) (ns-bôrdn-t)adj.
Not submissive to authority

Me not submissive to Authority???

YUP! I'm not your doggy... I have a job that I signed on to do but beyond that you NEED to pay a brother for the extra shit.

Today @ work (I'm an AV tech) they ask me to do the job of not only an AV tech but also an IT professional. I could.... But I'm not getting paid them big bucks SO I WON'T. I bust my ass day in and day out for crappy ass wages. If the suits want something done then they need to do it with their bigg ass checks. What do I look like?? I'm a hard worker but dammit you cannot expect me to work harder on my own dime.

So they think I'm being insubordinate... NOPE .... I'm DOING MY JOB

New Blog

2006-01-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

I'm following the footsteps of some of my peers and creating a second blog that dips a little deeper than this blog...

Its based loosely on my insecurities as a man

and what i think of certain relationships I have.

I am reluctant to shar it with anyone but myself.....

It is a vulnerable part of me.....

But I willshare... WHEN the time is right....

its just hard..

Love this post

2006-01-17T10:18:00.000-05:00

FROM THE WONDERFUL BLOG OF..... http://youtoldharpotabeatme.blogspot.com/

10 Stupid things ....

Couples do to mess up their relationships.I was skimming through this book in the store (cuz I forgot to bring my check card to buy it).

1. Stupid Secrets....Dr Laura says in her book that this derives from fear of rejection.

Me? I say "I don't want this fool attempting to throw my dirty lil' secret(s) back in my face". Soooo, unless I have a few chil'ren I put up for adoption, got a dreaded disease, people know me as "Kitty Nasty" from The Boom-Boom Room, a crazy ex-boyfriend, or an evil twin, brotha man has no need to know err'rything 'bout me. Cuz I'm pretty sure I don't wanna about all of his indiscretions. I would just wanna know the man is "free.from.infeeectiooooon", and doesn't have tendencies of donning my "Vicky's" when I'm not around.

2. Stupid Ego-tism....Dr Laura breaks it down to "my freedom and rights to do what I want supercede your feelings.

Me? Shuduuuuup! You KNOW you'd have a freakin' cow, if you saw my truck parked outside the gym, club.....or the library, for that matter, because I'd be doing something that didn't include YOU.

3. Stupid Pettiness....Dr Laura>>> Making a big deal out of small stuff.

Me? Walk away 'fo I slap you, please?

4. Stupid Power...Dr Laura>>>Never lose an argument or sacrifice anything, always be in control, never let that person forget he or she hurt you or messed up.

Me? Silence has worked for me in several arguments. Not necessarily to give the "cold shoulder". That was me using my head, like "right now, I'm so pissed with you, that I WILL say something, with the utmost attempt of making you feel as tall as a Smurf". There was a time, when I kept silent, it only made the other more pissed. "Keep bringing it up, and you'll see just how little I care". And for those loud mouth bossy individuals.... silence seems to drive them NUTS. I guess that would just be me in my controlled madness. It works, tho.

5. Stupid Priorities... Dr Laura---Consuming all your time and energies with work, hobbies, errands, missions-an unkempt bed has higher priorities than than relationship.

I do know such people.... rip the sheets off the bed as soon as the lovemaking was over. It wasn't that crucial...really, it wasn't. That's why you keep really big towels near your bed. Waste every single Saturday cleaning house, then having no energy to interact with your family. Hubby's feelin' all sexy and wunnaful and is ready to get dooown witchu....but youuuuu gotta play BINGO ta-niiiiight. WHATEVA, maaaan! Betta holla BINGO from the bedroom!

6. Stupid Happiness.... Seeking stimulation and assurance from all the wrong places to satisfy the immature need to feel good VS to be good.

Uhhh, does this mean I can't go to the strip club? C'mon just ooooonce. Please! I just wanna sit there euphorically happy, then tell myself how shameful I behaved later.

7. Stupid Excuses...Instead of acknowledging misdeeds and being accountable and responsible, you fight back with excuses which just cause more damage.... LEARN TO APOLOGIZE!

"See, wha' had happen wuuus......" Lawd Jeezus. That line went out with the jheri curl and the California Raisins. I just can't picture one sitting around "chanting" and embracing the lie and become one with the lie, to the point that it's second nature. Turning the tables with "Oh! It's ALLL about YOU, ain't it?". This is GA-ROWN-TEED to get you HOIT! As far as me? I just won't do something that I have to rehearse an excuse for....too much energy involved.

8. Stupid Liaisons... Staying attached to relatives and friends who are outright bad influences that are destructive to yourself and your relationship; these folks hurt your partner.

Sad, but true. Not only have I experienced this, but so have other couples I know. My experience came in the form of "one of the boys", who I might add, my ex doesn't even associate himself with. Too little too late. My thing was "Dude! The same fool who told you that I can't be trusted, is the same fool who I just kneed in the nads for trying to fine tune my breast!". I've also seen parents trying their damnedest to come between a husband/wife, accusing the husband of "foul play".... when all they wanted to do was get up in the mix and reak a lil' havoc of their own. Just come out and say it, Chief...your daughter has really good credit, and her husband doesn't want her co-signing for another vehicle for you, so let's just stash a funky looking earring underneath brotha man's pillow. That's really classy.

9. Stupid Mismatch... Seeing the red flags clearly, and yet you stay around trying to put a square peg into a round hole; not knowing when to leave and cut your losses.

This is the story of most (if not, all) of my friend's (male and female) lives. Values of marriage, child-rearing, finances, involvement of in-laws, etc, etc. I mean, where does one draw the line, when it comes to Momma 'nem "volunteering" their actions and advice in your marriage/relationship? If Momma and Daddy have been divorced since you were 2 (and you're 30 now), what can they possibly tell you about communication and fidelity? If Daddy's always blowing his check on loose women, Boone's Farm, and lottery tickets, wth can he tell you about balancing a checkbook? Momma told Daddy not to put his hands on "her child", yet she doesn't mind visiting "her child" on Sundays at the State Pen, what can she possibly teach you about discipline? All that stuff comes into play. When Sista girl doesn't see anything wrong with hitting the club as soon as her children go to sleep.... you might wanna NOT call her behind anymore. She's not growing out that mess! When Brotha man brags about having 4 kids with 3 different women (and he's only 22). Run! You may end up either babysitting those lil' boogers, or end up being Baby Momma #4. If he's wearing that "Father Abraham" title like a badge of Honor....BOUNCE!

10. Stupid Breakups... Disconnecting for the all wrong reasons.

Dumping her because she has ugly feet. Dumping him because you don't like the way he chews. Dumping her because because she's darker than most of the girls you kick it with. Dumping him because he has a raggedy whip (at least he ain't at the bus stop sportin' some phat a** Lugz).

"Hmmm.... the more I type, the more I realize that I may have to buy about 20 copies and pass them out accordingly. I'll keep one for myself, of course. Anytime I feel the need to let my sanity go on hiatus, I think I'll whip it out." -

you've changed......

2006-01-17T09:35:00.000-05:00

Justa lil joke between the two of us. Its funny how joking always seems to breed a hint of truth in it... or makes it seem like there is truth. You have changed. If I know you then I know you've changed.

Remarkably so, if I might add.

I remember first talking to you and... we got ahead of ourselves and we still do to this day... lol.

I remember our first serious talk, our first "SEXUAL" talk, our first completely goofy talk.

I remember when you started "IT" and when you told me "IT" ended.

For some reason I think I remeber a tear... but that might have been a dream.

You've changed

I've seen you build yourself up tear yourself down and build back up

I've seen you coast and cruise and I've seen you speed.....

I've seen your nosey side and I've seen your asshole side.....

I've seen your career rise into other realms and I've seen the paths that you could have taken

I noticed your passive determination, your will to doing thing but putting on that mask of "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO" but you know exactly what you need to do

I've seen your dumb moments, your happy moments, you intelligent moments

I've seen your drunk

and I'm only heard about you "expeditions"

You've changed

and I feel its for the better

Not for me, or your mom, or ur dad, or your bro, or any of the people you care about

Its for you and thats where it all begins and ends with you.

Yes you've changes

so keep changing

life will/can only get better

Reparations

2006-01-12T20:27:00.000-05:00

I sat in a forum where journalist were talking about how they investigated the slave trade from a stand point in connecticut.... and what intrigued me was the views on reparations that came up.

Reparations = reconciliation

Reconciliation = money

Money = apology

Apology denied!!!

What we as black americans want is to be apologized to for the raping and piliging of out land and our ancestors. But, we miss the point when we ask for our 40 acres (money), and even if/when we get all of that we will still feel as though we are missing something.

Respect??

Maybe....

Racism will never die. As long as there are differences in this world there will be hatred, disgust, and loathing. Ism's will never die. Healing will never happen because humans are way to focused on the physical. We are all on species.... yet we cannot look past the freckles, the darker skin, the athletic ability, the tendencies of another person.

So because there are differences reparations truely will not live itself down as an act well done. Reparation and all that comes with it... can be made in steps... but i bet you this... even if all of the things necessary for reparations are filled... all will be a little too late..

Blacks, japanese, and jewish alike are due for reparations... but it will all be a little too late...

and let me leave you with this.....

If we had a black pres. in office and a majority of the houses were minority do you thing that the apology for slavery would make a bigger impact than if the bush said it?? Because the only men/women who can apologize for the country is the government. Is more minority in powerful positions payment enough? Then again may that be part of the reparations as well??

RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE

2006-01-11T10:29:00.000-05:00

I'm writing a song for my son
I'm an off key luther when I sing it
and I'm an all thumbs mozart when I play it
I use the black keys where the white keys should be played
and the piano is never in tune

I don't care becaus ethis is my song to my son

He gets it....
he hears it
he feels it
and when he grows up he'll play it for his son.....

I'm trying to put me.... into the piece
So even if he doesn't see me he'll hear me

I want him to know that daddy accomplished something

I want him to know that daddy made something out of nothing

Humble in my beginnings, I was

So shall he.....

Even if I am worth 100million

I want him to sing this song and KNOW that he is more than what people take him for.

I want him to understand that people are people no matter what they do

I want him to know that right and wrong is relative and that in his heart he will know what they are

I want him to know I love him... and that above being a father I'm a friend

I want him to have the knowledge I do and learn from my mistakes and overcome odds like I have.....

He's already shown me that he was a fighter........

Room to grow......

2006-01-10T13:50:00.000-05:00

Everyone has it...... No on eis exempt from it......

Why do people always act above you? Like they the shit? Like they don't bleed red like me??

Its because..... They want to discourage you from taking their spot that they worked hard for.... Simple. Well at least thats my take.

Think about it... if your at the top of the hill would you like to share that with EVERYBODY?? OR would you like to be worshiped???

People don't want you to take there spot.... people want you to help them stay there....

All the NO's that I get..... All the SORRY's that I get come from people trying to make it to the top.... and in light of that they don't want anyone hindering their progress i.e. making more power moves.

Its the failing or the people on their downslope that would help you more than the one's on the rise.

Its so weird.... the rising stars want so much.... but they never get it because their suppliers are hungry people like them.... and once they see that they steer clear....

Talent only gets you so far..... the rest of it........ is up to YOU

after I said I would.... I am

2006-01-09T11:25:00.001-05:00

Yea been a while... but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it....

Yep this is another one of those DEMO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE MOMENTS....

Thats totally fine with me cuz IF there is anything you should know about me its that I will tell you something when I am good and ready... no sooner.. no later. Thats just the way it is. It annoys a lot of folks... but yaknowwhat? Its me so dammit be happy.

Me...

I've been feeling a bit down lately.... mainly cuz I wasn't happy with myself. I have a weakness...

I want to help as many people as I can. I want to be the reason why they smile laugh and have good times. I want to be a go to guy. I want to just help simply. But instead of doing it @ the soup kitchen for homeless people I opted to do it for people I care about. Is there such thing as being too much of a friend?

I can't help but to analyze everybit of information and formulate a possible scenario in my head and play off of that. Even with the tiniest (sp) bit of info... Its a bit of a problem for me because I feel intrusive. I feel like I'm prying. And, I know it annoys most people. "CALM DOWN ITS NOT THAT SERIOUS"

But it is to me. Its never just "THAT SIMPLE" to me. Everything as something under or over it.... I just choose to pay attention to the under/over while including the main objective. Its never simple. May be that scares people.... maybe its a misunderstood thing about me. I just hope that the people aroiund me understand that..... and curb it or accept it. Cuz its tough to get shut down... when all your trying to do it help. My friends are my territory.. and anyone treading needs to be carful..... real careful around me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son is starting to laugh.... its so funny.

He laughs from his belly..... and it makes me laugh.....

This father stuff is ridiculous..... everyday is something new..... EVERYDAY...... and I THANK GOD... it happened to me....

more to come when i wanna talk about it.....

after I said I would.... I am

2006-01-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

The thought of you.....

2005-12-13T09:26:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up thinking about a person. I walked around my house thinking

"What are they doing?"

"Are they putting on their pants too?"

"I wonder if they are think of me too...."

When I care bout someone this is always an inevitable event.

I think I want all my friends and family to live like a block radius from me. I hate the distances that I have to travel to see any of them. They are all scattered around the U.S. ..... NY, THE MID WEST, DOWN SOUF <--- SOUF!!! ---> I KILL ME!!

has this ever happened to you??

forever and a day

2005-12-12T22:26:00.000-05:00

Radars don''t detect me. People can't find me. I'm mis understood. and never the right fit. who am I??

I am a working producer trying to make a life for his family where a check is a frivelous means to an end and what produced that check was all that matters.

Dis enchantment is an understatement... boredome seems to be close...

I never think I'm doing enough so I work harder.. but yet i'm still a riddle.

i write, I create, I politic... but the game never lets me pass go and collect 200 measly dollars....

Forever and a day seems so far away yet that day is tomorrow, at least thats what I said yesterday.

Producers don't cry

they weep in dark with there headphones on

and their tears are the sweat beads that cover their hands

Producers don't cry

Ha.... a funny... at least to me....

2005-12-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

Lesbians have more game than men for one reason......

Because deep down inside they are straight.....

They have to practice on somebody, right??

I never understood why lesbians would need a toy dick or a dick at all in there sexual rampages. Wasn't the elimination of a dick the reason why your eating carpet?? It doesn't make too much of sense to me. The intrument (penis) is what you detest... the pussy is beautiful. So why bring the instrument of your distaste into what is essentially your heaven.

Never made sense to me.

Being Gay or being a lessie.. never made sense to me. I thought self preservation was man's first instinct. That ment eating, hunting, adaptation and procreation. Yet a few perfectly good men and woman run off into the school gymnasium to bat for the other team.

I'm not mad at them....

I'm just unhappy @ the fact that they get more chicks than me.... lol

Being gay is not a sin.....

being BI isn't a sin......

Taking and converting the beautiful black women of this earth is......

I propose that all MINGAZ should become lessies and all the FIT women should stay strickly dickly and take down my phone number.... what do you say??

When people think......

2005-12-09T13:12:00.000-05:00

People think and people talk.

What people don't understand they fabicate a explaination for.

To hang out with kids half your age.. child molester??
could be a youth pastor who is a big brother to the kids...
you'd never know because you don't ask.

Could it be that intentions are genuine in there nature? or do they always have to be faulty because of the 1% of the population is on the news doing wrong.

Propaganda issued through the media designates the weak.

They aim to give you an opinion.

We are not a nation of thinkers. We are like minded drones who think OSAMA is the one to blame. We all think Bush is to blame....

creat a happy ending you mind... not everyone is malicious....

ignite a fire under your thought.... it might not burn.....

NOPE

2005-12-02T10:30:00.001-05:00

YOU can't fault ME for loving MYSELF, if I were YOU wouldn't YOU want ME to love YOU too??

Think about that.....

Think about it hard.....

And apply it to life..... Your life

today

2005-12-02T10:30:00.000-05:00

today + this mornig = Bad day

why??

Usually happens hat way..... I have a bad morning then I have a bad day. I don't know why always has been like that. So today the wheel turns again and I really don't have the stomach to watch where it lands.

I wanna writ esomething but don't know how to get it out.

So I'm make the music to it.. and hopefully someone will understand it...

** I wanna work for Ray Riccio.... I am so in love with his vision @ this point. I think he will do well for himself. I think he's one of the few people who really think OUTSIDE of the box.. and is before his time in a sense. If He ever reads this..... I WANNA WORK FOR YOU lol

www.sedgwickandcedar.com

Check out his ish... its hot!

DEMO BEATZ YOUR FAVORITE PRODUCER'S FAVORITE PRODUCER!!!!!

** You wanna know who else I wouldn't mind working for??

The Vibe... always been a good mag.. never had a problem.. always seemed neutral to me... I just love there vibe.....

I need to get out there more.. but how??

Everyone has a scheme... but not everyone has the time to put in the work

The formalities of this and that.....

2005-11-25T09:57:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I am not going to dive head first and immerse myself into my "heaven"... that which I call music, the studio, aka new job, bka mo'bread.

I was supposed to let ya'll know my lists of pro's and cons but I said fuck it... whats the differene I made up my mind.

I just said to myself If inconsistancy will rule my life in the studio then I don't want any parts of it. I have a family....

Quit my dream?? HELL NAW

Calculate my risks and jump??? MAYBE

SHO DEM DA BIZZNEZ??? FUCK YEA

I'm just trying to be happy sooooo.....

PRO's :

Happiness and MO MONEY

CONS:

STAY HERE WITH THESE SICK ASS BITCHES :(

So I'm at a fork in the road...

2005-11-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

So I pick it up and eat my Ramen noodles wit it..... hahahaha I kill me <---- Not Funny! (Corny Jokes Loosen up Tight ass people)

Anyway back to the matter at hand. I am caught in a dilemma. It's not the decision that's bothering me its the possible outcomes that could either hurt or help my immediate family. But it's MY decision none the less. Whatever I decide I hope people stick by me... but I'm not sure if people actually will because one of my most respected seemes to reserve distain for the situation and lets it be known is very strategic and well placed blurbs. i'm beginning to thing that my well of support is deminishing ounce by ounce... SAD.

Any way here is my fork:

Stay with my current job... unfulfilled and unhappy.

Move onto a new job in my feild and around the people I need to be around.

I will be back with the Pro's and Con's later

My head hurts and no one is helping me!

You don't want me.... You only love me for my music

2005-11-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

HA!!! I'm a ho

Been pimped since pimped been pimped....

Thats me.... I'm the industries fuck buddy now. No friends just a whole bunch of cats who wanna fuck me and leave. Yup!!!

Graphic analogy but its way too true.

I thought getting into the industry I'd find folks who would want me for me... as well as my music. I thought I'd find friends in the industry... I ignored the rumors...

But.... alas.... They were all right.

I did a beat for someone and that was that....

Ironic that it was a gust of wind that put me in that situation, and it was taken away from me like a house in tornado alley.

People talk big shit... but its only to gas you so they can get what they want.

they wanted the music... not the man behind it. They have there own producer. There own child prodigy.... I was there to do a job.... It took a friend to snap me out of my trance.

Now shit is an afterthought

I don't even thing about it.

You know what I think about??

The next one. That's my new motto. The next one.

"yea thats cool......"

"But, what about the next one"

Keep it moving....

I loved the experience... but sometimes you gotta move.

All my Family & Friends don't be proud of me yet....

Be proud when ya'll get a new set of keys to your new houses....

I'm going to nebraska baby....

pack ya bags if you somin with me!

JIN

2005-10-26T09:17:00.000-05:00

Hi my name is Demo Beats a producer from Boston, MA

Recently Jin's new album on Crafty Plugz/Draft records was released today ( OCT. 25th )
Titled: Jin Presents The emcee's properganda

Please support the album.

My track is number 6 ( The title track) Titled: Ptoperganda
http://100megs22.com/~theemcee/bbv2/bbBoard.cgi?a=viewthread;fid=1;gtid=3556 check the link

Pass this along to all your contacts as I am trying to get my name out there... request on radio and buy the album.

Thank You in advance... I appreciate your love and respect in advance

"Jin Presents: The Emcee's Properganda"
1. The Emcee
2. Perspectives
3. Top 5 (Dead or Alive)
4. Mr. Popular
5. My First Time
6. Properganda
7. No More Fans
8. G.O.L.D.E.N.
9. Foolish Little Girl
10. The Craftiest
11. 100 Thousand Sold Pt.2
12. No Concept feat. YungMAC & LS
13. Carpe Diem
14. It's All Over

www.theemcee.com
www.myspace.com/demobeatz.com
www.hiphopgame.com
www.hiphopsite.com
www.flossmagazine.com

The move.....

2005-10-20T17:04:00.000-05:00

So here I am.. at the job.... on the job.... on air...

Why??

I'm leaving. On a jet plane... and lord do I wish that my path does not crass with 80% of the people I work with day in and day out. These people are draining. Imagine working at a store owned by the Garcia's, and your the only one who works there thats not family. the cousins are supervisors. Management are parents and the workers are offspring. There you are .... THE ODDBALL. think your gonna catch a break when you complain about work habits and actions??

Well do you??

Not at all. Thats my days here.... for the many hours that I work. Its horrible. But still I rise.

So I'll be leaving and hopefully on to bigger and better things....

Thank you jenny craig.... you've changed my life!

***********************************************************************************

Got a call. Seems my work in the industry didn't go unnoticed. I got a call today from someone I had known for a lil while and I had already worked with. Yea you guessed it... back for the second time. He called me back and I congradulated him on a few awards him and his artist won and on that wad of cash they got a couple weeks back. (Dayum I wish I was there, it looked fun).

Seems I have a knack for an R&B sound he was looking for. And It seems that my "ear" is full of jazz. Lol... Seems like those nights listening to 88.9 @ night helped me do my thang thang... of course I don't hear it..... why??

Cuz I just rock.. I play what moves me.... I produce what moves me... in hopes it moves you too. I don't want to sell myself for the music. I want to just give what I've been given to the listeners... God gave me a gift to create.... so create I will... new path... new direction... same love. Its music baby!!!
***********************************************************************************

Along with the two hip hop sites I write for I'm now moving to prinT!!!! Yes, with a capitol T.

"T" for time as in ITS ABOUT TIME.. lol

I needed this outlet I want america to read me and feel me. I don't plan on being the next Teri Woods but I do plan on making an impact no matter how small. E true hollywood stories... right???

lol

OK.....

2005-10-14T21:45:00.000-05:00

Let me just babble.. there is a bit on my chest that has to find its way to my ass so I can "blow it out"

As I'm siiting here in front of my computer jamming to the new slum village I can't help but to think...why is no one ringing my phone. It has been such an inspirational week. I mean damn could I feel any worse with my progress? It never fails that I get to a point (1-3 in a 3 month span) where I feel under accomplished. There is always someone passing me by. I feel like that last dude being picked on the football feild on saturday night. But you know what happens to that last dude... He ends up doing something great. Muthafukka I'm destined.

Bold... in my words strong in my swagger. I love it. I'm typing like I'm talking its funny. I haven't stopped pressing buttons since I started this shit. I'm not even thinking about what the hell I'm typing. I'm just typing. Its been an inspirational week. Yes it has.

I've been tapped to do a couple things and I'm working on more. I'm working and that was my first goal. Now that I'm working I have a new goal.. get people to notice me. I know I'm like a flake of snow in the bahamas but dammit I'm there. Just gotta catch me befor I melt. When I melt the gush of water that I let out will be biblical....

Bold.... in my words strong in my swagger

I swear I'm a fuckin philosiphilizer

lol

love it....

I want to be more than just a husband and a dad... all though that is my main deal.... I want to be a friend and a lover a man and a creator a lover not a leaver.. in essence I want to be the man my father never was. You see if I'm not afraid of anything this would be the thing to make me cower. My son doesn't need that bullshit. He needs me. I am who he will look up to. If I don't make it what will he be able to look to?? I hate TV role models (kobe) I hate book heros (spiderman) My momma was mine.. keep it in the family.

As I sit here in front of my computer I think to myself

Bold.... in my words, strong in my swagger

talk the talk run the walk right??
The turtle was always faster than the hare... with all that time to think wouldn't you be fast?? the hare was scatter brained only because he acted before thinking he lost his ability to think right.... training day.. turtle wins.... you got schooled I swear this is my best blog yet.... I feel so good. Music is in my vains... I love it My vessels bang hard when I walk the bass in my veins rattles bones.... I love it Dwele needs to do a track with me Actually EVERYBODY needs to do a track with me..... And if you read this tell ya people to hola @ me

<<demobeatz@tmail.com

and if you got friends in the industry tell them to holla @ me

stop holding out

lol

I have a friend who sends me emails and in her lil chain she had a friend at sony.. lmao why the hell is she holding out... what a friend..... "A" Dawg i'm talkin bout you!!!! lmao

Spel if you read this <---> love ya child.... for more reasons than I can think of.... there is a certain somthing I have with you... but if it trancends words let it... life has a way of speakin for us.....

Mama I love you you gave me two gifts in the form of flesh and blood.. fuck it... if I fuck anyone else I'll be thinking bout you LMAO... no but serious..... I'll be thinkin bout you... LMAO
If there was ever a woman who could create a man it would be you and my mother.... to bad you gotta deal with 2 children... better get crackin.....when you read this.... you better gimme nookie lmao

Bro... you know what it is.... from hate to love.....
We both daddies
who woulda thought
next step
same town.....
throw down.....
holla @ ya boy!!!!!!!

I'm loving life.... happiness is a team sport.... I love my squad

Bold.... in my words, strong in my swagger

talk the talk run the walk right??

YO LETS ROCK!~!~!~!~!!~!~!~!~!~!~~

Question

2005-10-07T23:21:00.000-05:00

BABBLE#1

Can you really be mad at a person for wanting to do what they want to do?? Are you really mad when you find out that they did something they wanted to do without your concent??

This is an everyday thing in the world of relationships and they go through every degree imaginable. From the most petty to the one they carry the torch as the most serious. We are all free spirted.... some less cavalier about it than others. And we all just want to be solitary and do our own thing. But because man is territorial we create things such as marriage and relationships. By instinct we only come back to the den to procreate and pleasure ourselves with the opposite sex. or at least thats what it seems like.

So why is 'I' babbling bout this. Because i hate being questioned. Although I'm a hypocrite in that sense I hate it. If I wanna do something and its not gonna hinder a relationship why give me the third degree. Its freakin annoying.... I understand the want of security that at a moment only verbalization can give. But shit..... let me breeve. If I tell someone what I'm doing.. by golly I'm doing it.... I don't lie often... so please beleive me.

************************************************************************************

BABBLE#2

Red sox lost... oh well....

I'm suddly at a lost for emotion for sports right now..... desensitized.. maybe....

Maybe I'm just ready for the city to settle its little championship ass down. Its tiring

All people wanna talk about it Patriots this and that, BoSox this ..... i don't care... just make it stop.......

I'm a gambling fool

2005-10-06T22:52:00.000-05:00

can you believe this??? everywhere I turn someone is out to get me....

I haven't done anything to you.... maybe I didn't kiss your ass when you wanted me too..... well if you were my "A" Dawg I'd actually take the time to pleasure yout left hemisphere.... lol...... but your not so you wann ruin my life... typical crab in the barrel gimmick. Why? We supposed to be sistas and brothas, but noooooo, you wanna be emenies <--- lol @ emenies......

Anywho to the story. Yesterday my boss comes to me and asks me have I been gambling on the premisis. I'm thinkin this bitch thought I was playing cee lo or trickin hoes on the CONAH <--- get it.... CO -NAH..... corner to you non hip hoppers.. lmao

Lets back track for a sec.... ya'll need some history before I move on to the meat of the story. For about 3 months now I have been getting heavy into card games. No not texas holdem poker or any other gamblin type game.... I've been play Yu-gi-oh TCG www.yugioh-card.com .... and Marvel/DC Vs. System CCG www.ude.com

TCG = Trading Card
CCG = Collectors card game

As you well know these games are played mostly by children but dominated by adults who use it as a way to generate revenue. I play for fun and bragging rights. Its a way to get away from some of the ills of the world, Away from music , and away from people. It works... its a hobbie sue me.

back to story....

The fact that I play the game has generated a mass of kids to come by the library and play. I even held a tourney for the kids. They all had fun and they all won prizes. I was Proud of myself. **pat on the back** When they come they duel each other and i always join the fray on my lunch break.

But someone told the President of the Library and the Mayor of this fine city that I was gambling and taking children's money. What type of bullshit is that?? The only form of bartering or exchange was done in trading fashion. They had a card I wanted or had a card i needed so I traded with them.. hence the TCG. Simple right?? No.... Its so juvenile how people misconstrue reality to fit there own selfish gains.

People say my boss is behind this. I hear she is secretly working on a way to fire me... wonder why?? maybe I don't kiss her ass..... Others think it was a real patron.... yea blame it on the 600,000 people who walk in and out of the library doors a week.

Its funny that both the Pres. of the Library and the Mayor both responded to this.....
the only way to get to either party is through soliciting or massive filtering. And I suspect a soliciter. Someone close enough to one/both parties and has the ability to complain in there ear.

I'll tell you one thing... I ain't do shit.... FUCK THE MAN!!!!!

Before I go to work

2005-10-05T07:55:00.000-05:00

"The Idea of growth is something we all dream about but few of us are ever ready to grasp" - yea i said it.

Its scary and exciting to grow and get far. I mean, in the past week I got 3 emails of people/parties wanting to work with me. And, I have 2 in house projects that I am already working on. Busy?? HELL YEA. Thats a lot of beats and a lot of time.... that I could be spending with the people below. Hence the scary part.

The part that scares me is my inability to stop. I've been told on a few occasions that I do NOT have an off switch. That goe for more than music... but music is worse. I'v been known to go hours in the studio and neglect important errands just to rock a beat and make it tight. Good thing?? HELL YEA. But all good things have their consiquences. ASK FRED HAMMOND WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN HIM AND HIS WIFE. It sucks. is this an industry for bachelors? Well, if it is let me be the first to change. I'm bent on making my life work. No off switch?? No problem.... just have to shift the axis of power to the right situation.

I always cried for work.... but now it seems like i have been bombarded and not gradually moved into it.... such is life right. I appreciate the challenge.... and it might do right by me. all I know is I don't have an off switch. That means ya boy will work!!!

OCT 25th!!!!!!!!!

2005-10-03T09:17:00.000-05:00

can't help but to think....

what the world would be without me

would you be sitting on this park bench if I didn't show you "my spot''

would you say those silly things that only u and I laugh at

would you say I LOVE YOU and still mean it the same way....

the same way you say it when we are alone in your room wrestling each other for that horizontal position we "care for not' the victor.....

would you like chicken and pineapple pizza

......rememeber I came up with that crazy combination

would you know what dreds felt like in your hands and over your face as sweat beads down your brow

I think you would..... you just got it here first......

But I still can't help to think what the world would be like without me.....

As if its already not

Aesop Rocks!!!

2005-09-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

A soul was born, as he came into the world he said to the world: "Allow me to introduce myself, hi world i'm new here can you direct me to the end of my journey" The world looked at him and waved his hand a big gust of wind pushed the new soul backwards. "If you can withstand this gust you will know where to go" The soul stood up dusted himself off and again: "ahem, Allow me to introduce myself, hi world i'm new here can you direct me to the end of my journey" The world laughed and ridiculed him took his clothes and the little money he had put him on a small peice of land with nothing but grass as far as the eye could see and said: "young one if you can escape your sudden poverty you will know where to go" The soul walked in the direction of his heart and reached a place of bubbling springs and bushes filled with every imaginable berry. He looked around and still needed to know the answer to his question: "please sir, allow me to introduce myself, hi world i'm new here can you direct me to the end of my journey" the world frozen with anger sent a quake to the earth that ripped the ground from east to west and north to south ans shrouded the world into darkness: "If you can climb out of the depths of hell you will surely know where to go" he yelled The soul calmly climbed out of the largest crack in the earth dusted himself off, looked around smiled and looked around. He fixed his eyes on a smooth rock... he sat on it and said to the world: "You have thrown your worst @ me wind, confusion, or despair could not stop me. So again sir, I ask you, where is the end of my journey?" The world said to him in a calm voice: "You have over come my storms, my hatred, and my anger your end of the journey is near. Please go to the river you will find your answer there." To the west of the soul was a brook.... he ran towards it and looked into it. He saw his reflection... he had a long flowing beard that was white as snow. He skin wrinkles and his clothes tattered. He was amazed that he has aged so. He smiled at himself and understood what the world wanted him to see. The soul sat under a large oak tree and went to sleep with a smile on his face. Now he could rest. He found the end of his journey.

2nd crack @ 'it'

2005-09-22T16:58:00.000-05:00

You know what I want?? No?? Well, i'ma tell you what I want. I want to work, but i do not.... I repeat.. I DO NOT want a job. having a job is like being a slave. Having a job is sucking the fun outta life. I am deathly afraid of being a 9 to fiver all my life. I want to own it not work 'in' it. I am afraid because I don't like to preach to someone if I am not a success story.

How can I teach my son to go for his dreams if daddy never attained his?? Then he'll look @ me like "yea you went for it.. but you didn't get it.. so how is that workin for me". Its scary. So I wanna do good.. not because i love music... but i wanna be a shining exampl efor my son. I want him to love a successful dad not a loser..... I don't want him coming to my job and i'm flippin burger. I want him to go to my job(s) and love everysecond of it. I want him to sponge it. I don't want him to be like daddy..... more so I want him to follow a blueprint of a success story. Its hard.. I don't wanna make anything easy for him but I don't want him to struggle horribly..... it a scary feeling.

My father and mother teased me and said.. they cannot wait until i have my kids. And I would tell them my kids wouldn't do this or that. They would do this and this. They proved me wrong and now i feel dumb..lol.

Britany Spears said some profound shit the other day and i feel her on what she said. she said

"After being pregnant and having a child, all the secrets of my family are clear"

not in those words but thats the juste of it. Its great. I understand a lot of what my momma went through with me. And I mean a lot and its only been a month. I never understood my mother's love for me.... hell i never even understood my mama until i had a kid... its so different. This kind of experience should make all boyz men.... ALL OF THEM!

Conversation with a friend..... yea thats you!!!

2005-09-22T12:42:00.000-05:00

Since you the only one who really reads this lol... I'm talking to you on this one....

Since the last time I posted on this godforsaken online interrigation unit a lot has gon eon in my life; Some good, some bad, some whatever, some you prolly don't want to hear about. Most of it is shit i'mma tell you any way so sit down and read.

First and foremost most I want to thank GOD ( lmao I feel like a star @ an award show) .... lol but seriously I want to thank him for giving me abeautiful baby boy. And when I say beautiful I mean it. He makes his daddy look like a whino on the street. I mean I'm sexy... but my son takes the cake by far. lol

I am truely blessed to have him in my life. He is starting to wear on me like no one has ever done. I mean i feel as though I'm still me but that kid just makes me something different. in the hospital all I could think of was how am I going to make his life better? How am I going to make up for making his first couple days of life hell. I blamed myself for a while. I mean he didn't have to be a preemie, my wife didn't have to get preclemcia, he didn't have to weigh what he did (4lbs 4.8 oz) he was tiny. My son didn't need all the wires and tubes on him... he didn't need the antibiotics he didn't need to get a spinal tap..... but he did. He's okay now... but he didn't need to go through it. She didn't need to go through it.... the prase silent tears never had meaning until I became a father.... I cried once for him... and ever other tear was shed in my heart. I created someone who was thrown into peril immediately. Is that wat his life is gonna be like?? Struggle?? or is he going to pull out of everything on to like he did in the hospital?? Time will tell. But as a father I cannot begin to fathom the heart ache and the pain I'm going to go through after the hospital. Because if that wasn't test enough.. then i don't know what is.

He's doing good now. he weighs 5lbs 14oz cheeks is getting fatty and he's startin' to get a little pooter.. its funny. Lol he is lifting his head more and more every day.. getting stronger @ the neck and is starting to focus now on objects . Still not too good @ following things... but hey he's a month (starting tomorrow). He's a joy.... I'm truely blessed. He's starting to show emotion now. He cries when he's aggy and smiles a bit here and there. (my mother tells me an angel is talking to him when he does that) I don't beleive her... i think he's happy he has a father ;). Not many people have come to see him, or should i say the people i wanna come aren't coming. That means U!!!!!!! lol..... but i know life a.k.a. money gets in the way of what we wanna do. But there is always time for things always. He is so set for life. He has 2 loving parents, and enough external family who care about the parents to keep him a float. I am truely blessed.

Again I'm putting stock in leaving this joint. yes I wanna move. I want to raise my child with his cousin. One thing I didn't have was a good relationship with my cousins. If my child is to be a single child i would like for him to have a family peer... i.e. his already born cuzzin. But my bro is being stubbourn as to not wanting to move and makin me do all the work. I would like to move... but its hard for me.... my life is somewhat imbedded here..... (music) It would have to be something profitable for me to move... it would HAVE TO BE.

Music..... mr. check bounce hasn't been in contact but he has been spinklin me around the media. www.theemcee.com. I am mentioned in the second paragraph I did the title track. I am happy about it and am waiting to see what comes of it. My career has slowed to snail pace.... but i never thought once of quitting.. It really isn't an option if you ask me.....

bbs.... i have more for you

from lust to love.... its always been a pleasure!

HA!!!

2005-08-11T00:50:00.000-05:00

Dude bounced my check.....whaaaaaaa? i go to work in NY and I get 'paid' for my services only to have my bank call me and say: "I'm sorry sir but you have a hold on your account for $500 and it will be returned to the cashee by the end of the week.

My first thought.... Thats some weak ass shit. Your industry my dude why you fuckin like that. But then my mental broke through and said. You know, dude isn't an asshole maybe he has an explaination. So I called him.

He explained the situation to me. Funny enough his birthday was today as well. So there goes the cussin out part of the convo. Which is my favorite part when getting bad news. Nut, he took that away from me.... that bastard :)
We got to talking and I was kind and nice to the man.... (really because my pops always told me; be nice to erry one.... people remember that shit) so I was nice me.

He told me he was sorry and all that jazz. I took it and ran with it.

Then he spit me some better news........

(if you'd like to know what the good news is.... feel free to email a dude)

My weekend......

2005-08-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

It was a good one. I never was excited about it. I just worked it out. It was fun but bottom line is.... it was fun and it was mainly business. I could not lose sight of the fact that this is what I was being paid to do! Nothing else. I wasn't to smooze... I wasn't supposed to bet all giddy and be star struck.... my job was to produce a song to my best ability and needless to say I was happy with it. There was talk in the studio that this might lead the pack. But, we will see. Having a lead single on my first crack at it would be great.... but we'll see. Talk is cheap we'll see how real these people get.

Its funny how they guided me into opening my mouth. Before I left I was told to feel out the situation before I was to be in producer mode. The worse thing I could have done was burn a bridge by coming in as mister know it all! Because I was knew to this the ground rules would have to be set by the senior in this situation. Before we got to working I had to understand that we were not peers. In the studio or out of. He's on a different level and a different grind.... He's trying to keep his head above water, I'm trying to get into the pool. They asked me to produced this which felt akward. Because thats what I do. But I didn't know they were going to give me that type of power.

The engineer was a tough dude. He's a real good dude too. I like him. Seems like he was getting annoyed with people though. That makes me mad. because people are going to be indecisive when they are trying to create so suck it up homie! But all in all he's a monster on the boards and I wish him the luck of the Irish in his career.

All in all I loved the experience.... and I'm guessing there will be many more to come... and maybe I'll become a star... but thats up to me right??

@ Work ......

2005-08-04T12:05:00.000-05:00

Good news and bad news......

what do you want first??

Bad news??

fine....

The gig is off for Saturday. Turns out they had a prior engagement that they cannot move.... Sux doesn't it. Its funny because when they scheduled with me they should have looked in their date book and made sure that they were covered for that day... now I might have to leave work on a day I don't want to... pack a day I didn't want to and bother relatives again... that makes me feel bad. Now I feel like a burden... what kinda monster am I?? I'll tell you.

I'm the monster that said FINE!!!! We'll record the day before that day ( tomorrow). Friday.. yes friday.... We hopefully will record... the time is ample right lol. At least they didn't say "hey be down here in 4 hours" lol... hopping a flight is not an option!!! I'm a broke producer... no one loves me.... its crazy!!! But, I'm happy for the opp. and grateful for the challenge... Its a learning process!

Other news???

Not really I think I'm set for september bought everything and was given everything I needed since july and early august... this is the best gift I could ever have.... i'm happy

For a friend.... ??????

2005-08-02T12:43:00.000-05:00

So I got a gig,,,, Whoopdie dooooooo. Its supposed to be a happy time for me. But not really. No need to be star struck I have a job to do. This is what I want to be my profession. And I must act like a professional! No if's and's or but's. I can't be, I can't afford to be star struck. there isn't enough time in the worl dto do that. Focus. My grind and your grind aint the same dawg!!!

I just wanna step in there be a professional and do my job... WELL. I want to go in there and make the song as hot as possible. I want to put a lasting impression on them and show them I'm about my Business. Even though I'm passed them intern times I still want to be in those intern times. that means I make sure everthing is smooth. I make sure MY session runs good.

This is step one and I can only imagine the things that will come out of this. Its a domino effect. People will here me...
alas... I don't even know my name anymore.

I'm an enigma to myself. I don't want a name. I don't want people outside of my profession to know me. I don't want to be publicized. I don't want a spread in "scratch"....

But I DO!!!!!

I just want people to know my work. y any means possible. I want to be the goto man in this world of music. But I don't want people to come to me. If that makes sense. There is only one real world and people think music is just that.... and i don't want to be them...

Which reminds me.... sept is coming up... this is another initiation into the real world. I'm going to love the time.... I have it all planned out (not that it matters) but Its gonna work. All you assholes who thought that it would slow me down.. watch the tires screech and watch the road flame... I'ma burn it down. Are you serious??

On another note Ms. B is making head way on her project. I can't lie and say I ain't happy for her... but I'm not I'm extatic.... she making moves quickly and nicely I hope she learns from this. I hope its a big learning experience and she gets up and does it again... I hope all is a success for her..... The modern WILL BE JUMPIN... and I'll be there sippin on patron..... or a glass of puss ** inside joke ** :)

Smile for the camera.. the other side is yours.... move over bitches!!!

2005-07-14T08:51:00.000-05:00

As reality sets it you realize that the box that was so big is actually really little and the thin line you couldn't cross is actually behind you and the bar that you set for yourself is actually 2 feet shorter than you originally thought You see we encourage this the back pain as you stand in that small box We love when you trip over that line it makes us giggle and we like when we see you play limbo with that bar setting it always fun But what we'd rather see if you break out of your box think outside of it and explore OTHER horizons you owe it to yourself or you'd be a giant in an icecream box We would like to see you cross those thin lines with prudence tread them and cross and retreat with knowledge of what it is your doing becaus eon either side is an ocean of unbeleivable depths you will get caught in the undertoe And Setting the bar lower isn't smart .... it breaks your back in limbo... but instead raise the bar... it might be easier to pass though an dmight not seem much of a challenge.. but the challenging part and the grueling part is behind you now... enjoy your success.... and know that the bar you raise has the sky as its limit This is our joy of parenting

The Look out......

2005-06-29T15:26:00.000-05:00

Who looks out for number one?? Its suppose to be you. Your suppose to be your own support system, your own biggest fan, your own biggest critique, and your number one reason why you do things. But, sadly we all live outside ourselves in some compacity. You may do it on a grander scale or you may be the few who actually do it for a 1 or 2 people.

Some people devote their time to the helping and uplifting of others. They find them homes, jobs, friends, activities and such. They create things and plug people places. They live outside themselves and lend themselves to "the cause". A beautiful idea. But, a lot of people get caught in these thankless situations and it usually leaves a hole in us and we're never happy.

Then some people devote their time to a specific cause. Some people go on game shows to pay medical bills, college bills, get a new house, start a business, and its easier for them to detach themselves from parties other than there goals.

I think I fall in between. I want to help everyone. But, I have a focus and a core group of people I would like to help period. No if's ands or buts. My life was never about "self" its always been about other people. I just found a happy balance where a few people will benifit from my fortunes and won't be hindered by my misgivings.

On that note I have been looking at myself lately and have seen a few things. I grind hard. Maybe not as hard as I should, or as hard as I would like to. But I grind hard. Everything I get/gotten is directly from my grind. Nobody has given it to me. I've had management before but its always me grinding for the projects... they never put me on nothing. I've always hoe'd myself out there for what I have. No one has ever given me shit. I worked for it all.

For once I would like that person to just get me stuff. Just go out there and tell a muhfukkah that I'm hot and get me work. I've gotten my own work. My own paying gigs. I got money for other folks. My acknowledgements always comes to a grinding hault when the public open's their ears. How do you think that make s me feel.

But for once things look like they on that upside. Like they are about to soar a bit higher. This summer should be a resume building summer. I am soo hoping for it. Business is business... but I hope life takes me away from it and inserts me as talent. I hate money and what it does. Let me just work and be comfortable with my family thats all I ask for.. thats all I ask for :)

Contemplating a move.

2005-06-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

Big step now huh? Yup it is a big step.

But I'm ready to go. I'm sick of my job. I hate it here. Its funny how one aspect of of a job can ruin the whole feel of it. But I won't get into why I hate it in too much detail. So just sit back relax enjoy this blog entry cuz you know I won't : ).

I want to leave my job. Its a good job but its really not for me. I'm telling myself that if I move I have to move to a place that is deep in the biz I'm in or I have to move to a job that is deep in the biz I'm in. That doesn't leave too much of an option now does it??

If I leave from my current location I stand chance of monitary failure. I have bills just like the next adult that need to be taken care of. Moving to a part of the world where money is less weather the cost of living is down or jobs don't stack up. I have to pursue my career.... by any means necessary.

I have to find a place in life where I'm comfortable on my grind as well as comfortable in my area. I love he city that I am from but unfortunately the music scene IS NOT on and poppin. Its more or less dormant. Everyone that comes from here and is really talented moves to NY LA or ATL. And unfortunately i might have to follow suit. But I will represent my city till the day that I day. Its where I was born where i was raised its my home. Its where all my life learned lessons took place. But, there is nothing like picking up and just going. Thats what I'm about. I need that. To just hit me off with a surge of unexpectedness.

I just need to get away start off new. SPELANGEL I'M TAKING YOUR ADVICE. I do need to just get up and move, and I am working at it. Maybe this will take me to NEBRASKA maybe just maybe. Wish me luck.... wish me luck!

Just cuz no body appreciates a thinker

2005-06-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

just in thought mode.........

Child hood games prepare us all for life!!!!

Ironic don't you think?

Hide and go seek: The endless search for people in order to not be it.

Pick on the slow ones first to ... warm you up for the faster stronger kids.

In life we always do this. Used the fucked up peice of paper to test our pen on. We settle for the ugly car till we can save up for the lexus. We date around till we find the one. We take petty internships to land the Junior VP job or some other entry level position.

You hate when people have there base.. they are untouchable and when they aren't on base they find a way to get back on. The people you want to get at are never that easy to catch. They always have the best hiding spot..... Wherever your not.... life's a bitch. But don't stop looking cuz they don't.

REDLIGHT/GREENLIGHT: The art of getting ahead amidst instruction

Boss tells you to get his coffee. He/she doesn't ask for sugar and cream.... assume they want it.... if they don't need it its watever but at least you were prepared.

As you are told green light you try to take the biggest longest fastest steps without being caught moving to fast. You pass the fat girl.. and your way ahead of bowlegged larry. But when we get ahead of ourselves we fall over and roll on the ground. We couldn't keep our footing on redlight so we are out of the rat race waiting to be on the next game.

Greenlight: When your opportunity presents itself

When your told red light your mid should always be on go. You have to size up your opposition.... calculate your next move, antisipate (sp) your next move. red light is always amber in your head.... keep poised.

Redlight: Dormant acceleration.... just cuz your legs stopped doesn't mean your mind should.

Duck Duck goose: You never know when its your turn

We all sit in the circle we are all ripe for the picking. It could be any of us. We are all candidates for the same thing. But there can be only one (Highlander plug) Its you who is picked, what do you do?? You chance your goal hoping to be the one who is able to pass on your torch to someone you think is worthy. We are all geese waiting for a duck. You have to get up and chase our goal if we are picked.

U have to want to get them before they devour what you worked for and leave you hanging high and dry.

Jenga: Knowing how to take things away and still have structure

Take away a stick hope it all don't fall down. When we take things out of our life can we all be sane. Some of us take meat, sex, love, cars, money out of our lives but we don't know why and they do it blindly. We should all just grow up and learn when its time to take things out of our lives and when we need to keep it to keep ourselves up. To many time swe deprive ourselves of things because we think its whats best. Because our friends did it too.

Been around the world and ay yie yie

2005-06-10T08:37:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the folks who like to read my blog. I've been such a busy man that I am not able to update this thing all the time...... NAH FUCK IT I'M LYING LIKE A MUH FUKKA LOL. Just been lazy.

I'm really the type of person that feeds off of people when it comes to public writings. So when I get a comment here or there it kind of pushes me to write. And NO, this is not a dry attempt to get ya'll to comment. I just like when people referce my stuff and let me know they are listening and paying attention to me.

I've always said that if you want to know anything about me read what I write. If you pay close enough you will know ALMOST everythinh thats poppin off in a bruva's life. If you care to listen, have the time for lil ole me, and are a bit intrigued by me I could take you for a jopurney if you let me.

This Saturday I have an interview with Buckshot Shorty, I'll post it when its done so ya'll have the first taste of it. I plan on doing audio and written script. It should be beyond bangin. I think I'm a good enough interviewer. When I sit down with people as serious as me in his music shit its always a pleasure. Even when they are assholes, but Buckshot seems coolm i shouldn't have problems with him.

Making runs in this production game. Happy as can be with it at this time. Yea there are people younger than me seeing major dough and yea there are folks who suck ass that see major dough. But how can I complain, they there and I'm not. Some people try to gass my head and tell me they can hear my stuff on radio or that its hotter that this person or that i'm the next.... I really don't care. I'm not there yet, save your bandwagon talk for when you don't see me in months cuz i'm chillin with the dali lama.

But something does tell me someone has something for me!

I am such a happy man right now. I am such in a good mood now. Decisions I've made lately are the greatest. I love them all. My life couldn't be better right now. But it will be. Adding reasons to live for and not regretting a damn thing!

till next time ..

Poem

2005-05-17T14:45:00.000-05:00

I love your hair

I loved playing with it when I was little after you'd

cut mine I'd

turn around and gentley unravel your bows and watch it fall down your back and

bounce up in the most beautiful curl

with the most beautiful "afro" sheen

it blinded me

I'd love to sit there and comb it out for you

100 on the left and 100 on the right

just before you went to sleep

but i wouldn't tell a soul because my friends would think

I was gay and

i broke my wrists and

maybe they would notice that i might of had

more hip action in my step than most boys my age

but

i didn't care i watched it transform and reappear

long

short

straight

curly

Claire huckstable. Harriet Winslow Shanade O'connor???

But you were beautiful

100 brushes on the left 100 brushes on the right

they thought u were my father

I laughed and said

"my daddy is more beautiful than both your mommies" and stuck my tongue out as I ran into your arms to be greeted by your new growth

Big,

flat

puffy,

frizzy

Hewey P.

would have been proud

asatta would have

posed with you on Sister 2 Sister magazine

cuz you were natural.....

I'd wash your hair for you too

No white products you the lover of your aloe

your old haitian sectets

but your hair shined more than head and shoulders

and any other of the fools product

100 strokes on the left 100 strokes on the right

before you went to bed

your hair grows on my head now

the same folical that stores your dna

mutated and landed on my head to create this

dreaded Man you see before you

and my eyes have not skipped a beat with one change

Long

Short

Curly

flat

straight

puffy

frizzie

aloe

haiti

NO head and shoulders

out shine the rest

100 twists on the left 100 twists on the right

before i go to bed just like I did for you mom

but,

no thats not the one change mama the one change is....

this poem has now left your graces

it is now a family heirloom and

will be passed down to the sons and daughter's of my hair

100 twists on the left 100 twists on the right

I love you MOM

SHIK SKIDDACK BOOOM!!!!

2005-05-12T16:20:00.000-05:00

Awwwwww........

Its a nice time to re-evaluate myself. Take a nice look at myself and change. For the better of course. I have to if I don't change I'll just be the same old cat that people learned to hate. But I don't want people to hate me...... I want people to hate the new me.

I just don't want to be a walking cliche and unfortunately I have stumbled into that trap. here are a few cliches that I have found myself in on many occasions:

How do you feel about music? Music is my life..........

blah blah blah.... how many dumb fucks say that. Yea music is your life. But its eeverybodies life now. Everyone want to be a star. everyone thinks they are a star or deserve to be one. And yes everyone is a star in their own rite. But not everyone is built for this thing. Inside or out.

my solution is to find out why i really want to do this music..... why the hell am I built for this... am I built for this? My solution will include me spearheading things and see if I get through. I am a talent goddamnit. We'll see what the world thinks.

Boston people go nowhere!!!!

Mos def said its not where your from its where your at. And I'm here. I'm going to make the most of it. I can't stand being compared to everyone who comes from here. I hate being benzino, edo g., guru, the new kids, new edition, bobby brown. I hate it. Why??? because I'm not them. I don't aspire to be them. The only thing that seperates me and some of these men it simple and plainly MONEY, and clout. I'm grinding on a diff level than them. I'm grinding @ the bottom.. while they have the chance to make a universal name for themselves....

Your ill, your the illest I know!!!!

I don't think i'll stop wanting to grow. One thing i read about wyclef is that h never stopped learning to play guitar... He played his heart out and while he was building his ridiculously beautiful guitar collection he was getting lesson;s from Santana.

The point is is he never stoppe dlearning.

Thats what I want to do with myself. Is always be a student. And a willing participant in MUSIC as a whole. I don't understand why people like to turn things down like they big and bad but never sold a beat. To me work is work. If I can fit you in my schedule its game time. If not thats just how its gonna be. We shall see how it turnes out.....

TWINDLING MY THUMBS

2005-04-25T15:10:00.000-05:00

Friends.... How many of us have them.

Truth of the matter is.... most of us don't have much is any. We walk around and look at one another and label each other friends, pals, dawgs, buddies. We don't know the first thing of what that entails when it its us in the face. We all had "friends" but most of us never had FRIENDS. We are challenged with the question of what is a friend and we go ahead and answer them with generic answers.

A friend is there for you. They give you good advice. They take care of you when your sick.
So hell I can make Oprah, doctor phil, and that dude from house my friends. Its so deep. Maybe too deep for people to understand. Its not just the above mentions.... its more than that. i can't even explain where I'm trying to get at. Freindships are hard to explain like love. Its too difficult. You will ruely know if you have one when you get one. I haven't found that one person yet.

There are several canidates for the positions and there are several who have already failed, but it all comes down to the idea that everyone needs friends. Its totally true. We all need that person. Most of us don't get it because we blindly walk through life.

Is a crazy position to be in. You have to be that person's doctor Phil or Oprah.

Will someone be mine??

Just me and me

2005-04-22T10:15:00.000-05:00

I'm just chillin on my computer
Today is my day off.

Its nice to have a day off but because as humans its our thing to procrastinate we never enjoy it. We always use our day off to catch up on a few things. Laundry and errands washing this doing that. Its all part of this game called life. I try to get shit done the day before. but in the middle of the cramming session I find that I have to do something the next day. Which happens to be my off day. Its not that I'm lazy its just I "think" that I have better things to do with my time, at that time. Then when you think about it it really isn't the best thing at that time.

Oh well we do what we do right??

Other note a friend of m ine and i were conversating about an old flame he had. Blah blah blah (cutting to the point) he told me this girl needs friends. She doesn't need a fuck buddy, the dick in the glass, or a boy toy. She NEEDS friends. Thats with everybody. We all need friends, that extended family member(s) that are just there for you. We all go through tough times and as much as we don't want to admit it....there are soem things we just can't tell certain people even if its family.

Me and my mom are like bread and butter, chicken and watermelon, trash and racoons. We go together we are friends. but i can't tell her a whole bunch of shit. Its for various reasons. Maybe I don't want to disappoint her, maybe its something that I know she would apose my view point and condemn me, maybe I know she'll tell my father who i don't want to know a goddamn thing about it. Various reasons. But then again what are friends for. Cuz you damn sho can't tell them everything either. There are just some things in life best kept to yourself and someone else/someone you shared it with. I won't tell you how deep a coochie the last girl I fucked was. Or how ill a head game shawty has. Its none of your beez wax.

Just me and me in this wooden chair on my Dell PC. Thats me. lol.

Self Evaluation

2005-04-20T13:59:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in various time tables of life where you look at yourself in life's mirror. Today was my time. Amidst my annual mutation I realized that I've been doing the worst to myself. I've been hiding. No I'm not cowering in a dark corner hoping that the fuzz, or the man, or the monster in my closet doesn't get me. I'm hiding from the world. I've been so repressed its not even funny.

How you ever felt like you were out of place in a place you were supposed to be suited for??

Its because you were hiding and not being yourself!!!

I've been hiding all there years. I never wanted to be me. I was afraid that I was not fit for society. I'm wild, crazy, spontaeous, have a slick tongue, caring and affectionate and all that sappy stuff. But i couldn't show my traits in public. I didn't want to be labled something i'm not.

But fuck labels. I am who I am. If I want to tell my brother i love him in front a crowd of potential dick suckers...so be it. If I want to be loud and obnoxious cuz thats what I'm feeling so be it. That is me. And I'm sticking by me from now on in.

On another note....

This old ass flamer came in with some poom poom shorts and tried to ask me to show him where books on tanning were....... if you read what i just wrote.....u can imagine my answer!!!!!!!!

Slackin on my pimpin'

2005-04-19T11:16:00.000-05:00

Dayum.....

Haven't been her in a while. Shit. No one reads this... I know.... but dayum why did I stop writing.

Well first off I've been busy doing everything and nothing. I've been WORKING. Working at everthing that I can get my chubby grubbies on. Mayne it feels hella good to just work. I mean thats all I asked for was to be sought after (sp?). Now I am getting a litle buzz in my home city. Not that its worth a damn.... but its somthing. Just to be wanted is a good thing. I need to get better I want to get better. I will!!!!!

I've been working at this job that I'm not to fond of. I mean, I like to be surrounded by the books but its the people. Its moreso the people. i like my job ( what i was put here to do ) but I hate working with the people. They drag me down. I shouldn't let them but I do. IT SUCKS!!!!
They need to leave they are all old anyway. They smell like Bengay and icy/hot since when old peopl euse icy/hot?!?!?!?!

I want to leave the job but I have nothing lined up. Maybe I should work on something...not anything...something good. I'd love to make a gig out of it. Something on the side. I NEED TO GENERATE MONEY. No, fuck the money. I need to generate happiness and drive. My drive should last me a day at a time, a week a year. My drive last me a night and a morning. These people take my drive. They put me in a place where i can't htink like i want to. I shouldn't let them...I know....but I'm there and I want to get out.

I'm trying to relocate. Maybe scenery will help...maybe not. But I need my all day drive back. I need to create a way to get back my groove. LOL. Hey stella did it!!!

*************************************************************************

Family

2005-04-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

My nephew got me strung out. My lil kid comes out erry time I see him. (as if its never out... HAHAHA). That little guy is like a drug. When I see him I don't even feel the pains of the world. All I see is my blood and his innocents. He makes me smile, from ear to ear.

He crawls, walks, stands, jumps, grabs and all that. He's a menace. He loves being active. I'm happy he's that way as well. I appreciate his uncaring. I wish i could do the same. I wish it was easy for me to just turn to a mode of carefreeness <-- if thats a word. But its hard when you are aware of bills and obligations and loyalty to people. But some day you will and you shall over come those odds, thats what I say to myself all thie time.

Its not a matter of if, its a matter of when

ALL I NEED IS ONE BEAT!

Hello Blog.......

2005-03-30T19:23:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry to have had days go by where i didn't right in you.

Forgive me???

No???

I'on care you gonna let me write in yo ass!!!!! >:

Lol..let me stop for people think I get domestic.....

********************************************************************
Whats on your mind?

On my mind is plenty of things.....I'll tell you a few.....where do I start

My volunteer work is on my mind. For the past 4-5 years I have been volunteering in and around my community for certain organizations. i have fun doing it. Its one of the most rewarding activities to do. Especially since they were centered around topics that I loved. They all used music as there tool to reform children. To be exact they used the culture of HIP HOP.

I love doing it. The kids although troubled and have there hormones raging are a compliment to the direction that society is going in. If you look into there eyes you see the passion thay have to staying alive. If they do not become what they want to be you can tell that they have tried there hardest or that that they exhausted that dream. You can see it. It is plain as day.

I thing we should all volunteer for civic and moral reasons. It helps more than you know....

Saw a good movie lately?

Nope .... I don't go out as much...
Someone spare a few bucks and get me outta my house...please!!!
LOL

What you been up to?

I've been making music. As you already know. Creation is taking a turn for the better. I have more artists in my stable. I'm always doing something. I'm not waiting for calls. I'm there and ther eis always something for me to do. And it makes me work harder. I love working. It makes me smile when i lean back in my chair and see that i created something so beautiful.

I've been rocking the family angle. I have a nephew. He is still in his first year of life but damn he's already changed mine. He doesn't live in the same state and I hardly see him, but its a glimps of what it will be like to be a daddy. Someone to live for. Some people say they don't have the mentality for it right now. But I do. As young as I am I do.

I've always grown up with an "adult" attitude. You know the fend for yourself, think about family, work hard to get what you want, most things are petty attitude. It was all an elaborate plan to prepare myself for adult hood. The test of my faith are two things. My nephew and my own child. How I help rais and raise these two suckaz can and will be the breaking point of this plan. To see if it works or to see if it fails. I'm almost certain it wont fail, but such is life that your plans never go as according to your idea.

Also been thinking about traveling. For music of course but also for my personal. I was speaking to a friend of mine and I told her... "sometimes I just want to up and leave"...she said "so do it!"....among other things. And knowing me my mind starts to turn and process the information. I came to the conclusion that she was right. I should just do it. Nothing in life should stop you from doing what you do. You should realize the worth of life. Just be like nike and do it. JUST GO. and I'm going.

Sometime...just need the money...hmmmm

What are you planning on doing?

I plan on networking. With anyone and everyone. I have a few people that are looking for me but I want and need more. I need my phone to blow up ever other minute.....until i get tired of it. I just want to work. Its not enough to be able to do soemthing. I want to work at it. I want to make sure that my talents don't go to waste. I live in the studio now. I wanna stay there. I want to have my first child there. I wanna get married there..... maybe the last two were a bit open ended...but you get the picture. I'm not crying for help, but i sure do want it. Any bit of help is accepted no matter what it deals with.

I also plan on strengthening my life. I'm not as internally fortified as I would like to be. I don't feel its okay for me to be this way. I don't like not being able to handle certain issues....the right way. I know how i deal with them is wrong because it feels like it. But it seems that i react off of the strength than the wit that I know I have in me. Somewhere anywhere...in that place...over there.

Anything inspirational happen?

Well an industry cat (no names) came into the studio i was working in and bumped his head and said that shit is HEAVY!!! So hear from a person who is doing more than what I'm doing say that is inspirational. Its just on the idea that hey he's in it and I'm just trying to keep my head above water and he's feeling my music. That says a lot about what I do. It means I can rock with these folk. I can step into the game and make damage. Now imagine a couple years from now how ill i'll be..... ;) ..... i'm scurred even for myself.

I miss you....and other thoughts

2005-03-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

Yup.....sure, really?...... yea right....uh huh... *shrugz*

You hear this phrase all the time. You get this in ya email, text messages, IMs, through the lips of a loved one, or in a note passed to you by that "one. But, What the fuck does it mean? The term just like love is used so loosely is almost sickening sometimes. What do people really mean by it. I tend not to believe half the time when I get that phrase, only because NOBODY BACKS IT UP!
Lol...live life be merry....but this is a rant none - the - less.

I miss you

Translation 1 : I haven't spoken to you in a while and just relly wanted to say what's up.

This is harmless. I see nothing wrong with this. Its the normal "I miss you". Between friends, between family. Its easy enough to respond to. There really isn't a though process for this one just an opening line to a "what I've been doing in the meantime" conversations.

Translation 2 : Sensual kind... This is said to a sig. other, or the Man/Woman you messin around with.

This is the most abused...so its hard to ever know if its genuine. Most of the time I don't believe this one. People tend to say I miss you as a way to reserve the pussy/dick for later use....lol.....some people. Or they say it in hopes someone will warm up enough to them to pass the pussy/dick. People are funny

*******************************************************************

Shit I had more but work got in the way....till next time

Don't take advantage.....

2005-03-16T13:18:00.000-05:00

Are you really that bad off?

Do you really bitch about the fact that you can't get new couches or your bed is broke?

Do you care about what your hair looks like or your gold front?

Try having holes in your winter hat the size of a grapefruit. Or your mother is retarded and tries her hardest to take care of you. She was raped and had you anyway. both of you. Children you don't know it. But your poor.

Your innocents brings me to tears.

I would cry but just like your mother I have to be strong for you as well.

You don't know it yet but your not well off!

Your so pretty yet in out world your clothes make you ugly.

Your mother is by herself yet she still smiles at your dance.

Your innocents scares me. When you realiz that people are laughing at your poverty instead of your smile...you will frown and be mad.

I've been on the road....Be strong....

*Crying on the inside*

Its Nice To Happy

2005-03-15T14:02:00.000-05:00

It’s nice to be happy. For a change I am smiling. WOW

Smiling isn't in my arsenal of facial expressions. I guess it’s a new weapon on my war against life. I didn't tell you all about the weekend I had. It wasn't so much eventful, it was more so just realizing things. I put all my ducks in a row and counted them and I was in awe.

I realized for the first time I made progress. Progress for me and mine. I swear I'm moving. I'm moving to where I wanna be.

Random thoughts......

2005-03-10T14:02:00.000-05:00

Spoke to a person I've been meaning to speak to for a while. I don't know them from a hole in the wall but i decided that being forward is the best way to be right now. I was as forward and polite as possible. I asked what I needed to ask and got the answer I was hoping for. Although not concrete the answer was perfect and I appreciated the gesture. This in another avenue to getting where I'm going and that gesture made me smile. I swear as I keep moving up the ladder the people who helped me will get on just like i get on. From the people in my personal to the people in my career. I'm a thankful and thoughtful person. SO WE RIDE TOGETHER. If they ever read this blog and even if nothing/everything comes out of this one move I say. THANK YOU FOR EVEN CONSIDERING HELPING ME!

*****************************************************************************

Work sucks ass. I sit here and bum it.....I do nothing. Yea I'm complaining. I wanna do something other than type in my blog and read yours all day. Or be on an online community for hours just cause I don't do as much as I wanna. Its my fault and it isn't. but who cares...I'm sticking it to the MAN..or the WOMAN.....wuteva! I'm boycotting work for a reason. They think that they can treat me like shit. Well I won't stand for it. I'm currently looking for a new job becaus eI can't deal with shit like this its too annoying.

*****************************************************************************

I'm starting to find out where i fit in some people's lives. Some people you can tell right away where you stand. Others you have to have complete opposite relationship of what the outcome of 'your' existances will be. For instance your bestfriend might be your ex lover. Went from being your personal sex whore to being a strictly platonic buddy. Why?? who knows. but sometimes you gotta see that the people who know YOU best are the people that can give you the best "advice" or help guide you. Face it Ms. cleo didn't know you from a hole in the wall....but i bet you Cedric/Melissa after you fucked them good and had them in your best and worse times could help u in life.

all my random thoughts for now!

Song I'm feeling SO much..........

2005-03-08T11:03:00.000-05:00

And how it pertains to my life.............

POSSIBLE - DWELE

Question:
Can your smile, lead to my hello
and my hello, lead to a first date
and a first date lead to a can't wait
to do it again
ain't no pressure
we can't just let love develop
get to know one another
from a sister to a brother
I'm just wonderin'
I'm just wonderin'
can we start as friends I'm just wonderin'
if you have a man I'm just wonderin'
to be around, a permanent
how can I get down, I'm just wonderin'
what do you see when you look at me?
in your beliefs do dreams come true?
cuz i dream of you, of holdin' you
I'm wonderin'

..:::..:::.. Chorus ..:::..:::..
is it possible for you to see that maybe you and I can be
is it possible to be logical, for you to see that we can be
said it's possible for you to see then you and i can maybe be
is it possible to be logical for you to see that we can be

Patience:
I was born with plenty
so if and when you're ready
have some faith girl
and we can step out on fate
cuz baby
i'm not your everyday average man
spittin' everyday average lines
unrehearsed girl
I speak the truth at all times
so i'm wonderin
if this is too far fetched
if you wonderin
this is no conquest
to love you
and leave you there
so i'm wonderin'
so i'm wonderin'

..:::..:::.. Chorus ..:::..:::..
is it possible for you to see that maybe you and I can be
is it possible to be logical, for you to see that we can be
said it's possible for you to see then you and i can maybe be
is it possible to be logical for you to see that we can be
is it possible..(ooooh)....say it say it yeah,..(ooooh)....
is it possible..(ooooh.....baby......(ooooh).
you n i could ever be yeahhh yeah yeah

..:::..:::.. Chorus until fade ..:::..:::..

**********************************************************************

MY LIFE

That first verse sums up my relationship with my Lady Friend right now. Thats how we met thats how it was. I took it one step at a time. Fortunately for me everything mapped out exactly how i planned it with a few kinks but goddamn it....I had a plan and it worked lol...I think I have one of the best "how did ya'll meet stories" lol

Can your smile, lead to my hello
and my hello, lead to a first date
and a first date lead to a can't wait
to do it again

I've never been the one to hang around the teenage hotspots and "pull" girls. It was never my thing. Its notthat I didn't have game it was the fact that I felt it was corny and a waste of time to holla at the chicks with the fattest asses or the prettiest face. That shit was skin deep, and plus to many of my people got crazy women by doing that and are stuck with child support or Baby Mama drama. I was more into dealing with women I found attractive in the work room and in school or that i met through a mutual friend/aquaintance. It never was my thing to "pitch woo" at a chick just for physical reasons. I'm not in it for the sex, so what does a fat ass have to do with it?

i'm not your everyday average man
spittin' everyday average lines
unrehearsed girl
I speak the truth at all times

In my head I think about things like marriage, kids, a life monogamous. I always wonder if it could be possible, logical for me. It can be a reality in the near future or not. I'm waiting... Patience I was born with plenty. There is always a possibility that anyone can turn out anyway. I think I'm well on my way to being happy. The combination of peopl eis the only thing sketchy.

..:::..:::.. Chorus ..:::..:::..
is it possible for you to see that maybe you and I can be
is it possible to be logical, for you to see that we can be
said it's possible for you to see then you and i can maybe be
is it possible to be logical for you to see that we can be
is it possible..(ooooh)....say it say it yeah,..(ooooh)....
is it possible..(ooooh).....baby......(ooooh).
you n i could ever be yeahhh yeah yeah

"I am never ready for anything at life, but in life my struggle is to be prepared!"
(Demobeatz - your favorite producer's favorite producer)

"Luck is when opportunity meets preparation, are you prepared?"
(Unknown)

Shady bizness

2005-03-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

I never knew how "shady" this industry was until today. No, thats not true, I been knew how fucked up some cats have been. Shit I've gotten fucked over so many times its not even funny. This shit is NOT cute. But such is business and most people will do anything for a bit of change. There love for something was never heavy enough to sustain them in life so they played on someone elses passions. Although I found what happened today quite ammusing I don't wish it on anyone.

Lord what a night!

Smiling today

2005-03-04T13:48:00.000-05:00

I got some good news today....

The other day I sat down with myself and thought long and hard about my life. Women, music, sex, Girlfriends, wives, sex, women, money, cars, T.V., women, sex, Music, sex, women, Music, family, children, neices, nephews, sex, music, women. I thought really deep and really hard on those things. I came up with this logic.....some of these things aren't important. I shouldn
't be focused on sex and women so much.

So I thought harder and I started thinking about: SEX, WOMEN, MUSIC, FAMILY, MONEY
the roots of all evils...lol

Sex: In a drought......

Women: A lot of them need to leave my life

Music: Bout to get to that.

Family: Getting stronger as the months go by

Money: Shit if you want we can rob a bank together....just tell me when and where!

*******************************************************************************

On to the music. Well when I was thinking about it I realized something: As much as I send Cd's out and met new people from god knows how many places, why don't I get any responses. The story goes that, I get insecure thinking

1.) They don't like my stuff, I suck. I need to get better, but so many people are ahead of me. I'm in a rat race running too close to last to worry bout the top dawgs. I'm so behind that my only worry is not being so embarrassed at the finish line.

2.) They never listened to my stuff. It is unsolicited material so what makes me think that my cries for help will be answered by the gods of music. I'm not a kanye or a Just blaze, hell I ain't even the neptunes. I'm DEMO nicca. Recognize....well listen....give me a chance...please??

3.) Just quit.....NO ONE WANT YOU...... your from Boston : /

But then I get this call. A call from a person, a person I have respect for (Friend A), kinda put things in a bit of perspective for me. They told me they were working with some artist this group called (Group A) now this group had been signed with a management group that I am frequently in contact with called (Managers A) and they have an artist on a major label named (Artist A). Now Group A heard some tracks that Friend A played for them and they recognized one and they recognized my name, go figure. When asked from where they said "Managers A used to manage them and they played the beat cd for them"....

Needless to say they were impressed with the music and enjoyed it. They wanted more....I was happy it made me smile. Because it cut out all of my insecurites for a time. I just feel good about it. I feel as though there is progress for me. I am breaking through or trying to break through the bubble..... ALL I NEED IS ONE BEAT.... one chance to make some damage in the industry.

I'm talented....I'm Good

Hopefully someone recognizes me out of the 1 million others who are just like me!!!!!

Artist are people too

2005-03-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

HAHA...I'm sure

Working in this industry you can't imagine the facade people hide behind. You are not gangsta, you are not rich, and you damn sure ain't happy. So why front? Beause you want to., you need to, you fans need you too. We are a world of people looking for a leader. We want someone to tell us what to do. We need an example. A world of non-beleivers, a world of blind mice 56 billion blind mice (they should change that friggin nursery rhyme)

They have feelings.... They do? I am aware of that, but why must they all have this "princess complex".
What is that? well, i'll tell you. A princess complex is when a person beleives they are above and beyond there current roll. I've had artist throw tantrums because I didn't like what they did. Do you really thing that tears, jumping, and threats will deter me from making a good song? Not at all!!! I live for the idea of being the best at my craft and no 2 bit retard will tell me that they are better than me. Now don't get me wrong I bend over backwards for my artist...but I won't break....I am who I am....you can't change me.

Reason for working with me is you needed direction. Its my job thats what I get paid for. I am working on a resume here and I'm working on being the best...I will not sacrafice that for what you have in your head. trash is trash. I will not let a person sully my name... Recognize!!!!

They thing they are on a pedistal...like they are the talent...they are not. For people who don't know....most artist are puppets. The lyrics, beats, arrangement are someone else they are just the face. Your favorite artist is expendable and can be replaced. There are 1 million Jay-z's out there.... just so happens S. Carter was the lucky one chosen. I admith there are a good amount that are talented...but a lot of them don't do shit but wait for there next hit.

Artist are people too...but goddamnit...they get on my nerves!!!

HAven't been here in a while

2005-03-01T11:22:00.000-05:00

So what I haven't been blogging!!!
Nothing has entered my head as of yet.
I promise i'll get something out soon as I have it....hmm
Nothing in my life is relavant right now.
Life is kind of at its low point after the weekend
I smile....my friends made me smile
Thank you friends
you know who you are
and if you don't comment to this post i'll know who to weed out next

Afraid of a man in a cape

2005-02-27T19:05:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts, random words......

Who is the man in the cape.....

Have you seen the phantom of the opera? Well the phantom was a selfish bastard. Too into himself to realize that the world/ his world....wasn't really his. He was so self centered that he hurt people, to me, for no apparent reason.

I'm afraid of the man in the cape

Afraid that a person so selfish will in fact find themselves at the seat of power an dominate "his/her reality".

People are greedy, yes, but they are not that to the point they will kill.....let me rephrase that they won't all kill.....typo most people will not kill..... sorry let me tell the truth we will all kill for what we want. But why?

We do what we can to get what we want. Primal instinct....we want what we want.

If the car is red enough we will spend our last dime to get it..........No private school for johnny

If a pussy is good enough we will travel the world for it....Well no food for the week

If the price is right we will sell it....... "YOU DON'T EVEN USE IT"

we want what we want. its great to get it though. Let the euphoria die down. you will see the hell you cultivated. Its a game we play we all roll the dice we all make choices...we work at the consequences

I'm afraid of the man in the cape..... please don't let him realize my existance.

Aim a little higher

2005-02-25T01:20:00.000-05:00

I saw a person today who was short as hell

walked talked and acted like the vertically challenged folks on T.V.

why?

you are human

why be a stigma

you love yourself

but self is decided by a producer on T.V.

you identity in a box

No one thinks outside of the box

Love yourself and your knees

no matter how close to your ankles they might be

do you love yourself

or does the box tell you who to love

take me to your leader

i'll show him how to stand up

see me feel me
welcome to the projects!!!!

This took me forever

2005-02-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

This took me forever to write, This gosh-darn hand of mine. I never knew how instrumental a digit was to simple motor skills until now. This is something I never want to happen to me again. Let alone having it worse than it is now.

You know I've never broken, fractures, or frayed abone in my body. lucky me? Not really, somtimes I would have killed to walk into my class room with crutches like some other kids. They got the best treeatment. People would carry there books walk them all the way home. But I always had to carry my own books and walk my punk ass sister home. But hey I guess such is life.

Come to think of it I think this shit is broken. There is a shooting pain. Its not like a bruise is different. I don't know maybe I should take it to a friggin doctor. But doctors ar evil!!!!

I want to go to New York tomorrow but they say it will snow...I can drive in snow I'm just afraid that I'll get caught in some vehicular accident that may cause for more morning. I'm not in the best of situations right now...people are dying left and right. In my family out of my family.....I won't bore you with the details..

Bottom line I don't want to be a friggin statistic....please GOD let me not be a chalk up on anyone's killing spree.

I've been having dreams lately that I am going to die. My mother and some other people have deemed a me an oracle of some sorts. A lot of my dreams come true. And the one's that haven't...seem to happen as life goes on. Its friggin scary. I've been dreaming that I was being killed this happened for 10 nights in a row and this is freaking me out. Not fun at all. And they all seem like its in the near future.

I really don't want to go but if I have to.....I'll be writing my will soon enough.

Its facinating how people always talk shit behind 3000 miles of glass and then when its time to say to face...they hush up.

ranting...raving...talking...bullshit

Breaking News

2005-02-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

**** BREAKING NEWS ****

( Boston - MA ) Demo has smashed his finger. He did this while being a good sumaritan to the people from Goodwill donating books to a book drive hosted by his library. He courageously limped to the first aid kit and bandaged himself up complete with a makeshift splint.

" Yes I have smashed my finger into tiny peices. I'm still trying to find a few peices of it." he said obviously in an enormous amount of pain. "This is what I get for being nice!"

"Demo has been a constant attribution to the library" a comment echoed by the rest of the staff as if in a choir. "he will be sorely missed."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now let me tel you the real story. I was helping this dude from the Goodwill with a canvas hamper full of books he pushed I wasn't ready and it crushed my hand. This dude really acted like i shoulda been fine. Man do I look like an 800 pound yeti to you??? I swear nice guys finish last. All the bad one's get all the girls and demo is stuck here with a bum ass finga.... that just burns me up.

But I had a lil fun with this black and blue pinkie of mine. I played doctor, I wasted the supplies of my job... It was sooo fun. I felt like a kid again. I used up mad gause and ointment and i taped abd bangaged up my hand. Doubt it it needed it but it sure was fun.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I'm on the majorly horny side. Don't know why just wanna fuck....ahem....excuse me....I would like to just lay down in the bed and make sweet passionate love to someone I care about. i think its been pent up. I don't sex as much any more. I don't do the the do when I want to. I guess nobody wants me like they used to. Everybody is moving on to bigger and better "things".

Signing off this is ACE BANDAGE!!!

I lost it

2005-02-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

POWER OUTAGE
s
HAD AN ILL ASS BLOG
i

FUCK THIS.....I HATE BLOGGING NOW
k

NEVER WRITING IN THIS BITCH AGAIN
e
FOR REAL ENJOY THE POSTS!!!!!!!!!!

READ BETWEEN THE LINES

People you want....

2005-02-21T23:23:00.000-05:00

In life there is always people you want. There is always the person you want to fuck. The person you want to get close to. The person you feel you deserve. The person you feel deserves you. You find this person to be so attractive. They are new....packaged up right....and ripe for the picking.

But they also might be that collectors item G.I. Joe with the kung fu grip that never leaves its package. Why doesn't it? Because you don't want to use it...? or because you have the same toy so you can play with it and leave the other one to collect interest like a swiss bank account.

Sometimes you can't have people you want....Moral reasons or not. Some people are just not there for you to have. Some people are that necessary evil.....some people are there to tempt you but you'll never have the forbidden fruit.

Its always nice to have that person there for the fun of it...or to have fun with. But you always have to remember or be reminded that "THIS/THAT" is not for you. Its for the person it was intended for.

Its fun to construct fantasies...its fun to have phone sex...its fun to type silly letters saying how your gonna smash it or how your gonna give it. The question is are you. I think the issue gets stressed to the point you have self fulfilling prophecies, then what happens is not at all what got gassed.

I don't know I'm babbling....next post please.....

Transparent desires

2005-02-21T10:47:00.000-05:00

Nobody find there way in the dark without a guide.
Nobody creates a lie without a motive.
Nobody holds back without being wary of the outcome.
So whay put people in the dark about things that concern them?
Why lie to a person if its something that would make you feel better if you just let it the fuck out?
Why hold back on something just cuz you care about feelings? Feelings will get hurt regardless!

Needless to say I'm in the dark about almost everything. I find that when I'm in a situation...people tend to shy away from giving me useful information. Its not all that bad cuz I get the power of pointing fingers. But in our quest for knowledge it gets a bit annoying. i mean how dumb do you look when you have to tell people...ask her she would know, the best person to ask is... fuck that I'm the president, I'm the emporer, I'm the king, and I'll also be your stuardess for this flight. I like being the oracle is the best. Having all the answers or atleast enough info to bullshit your way through this. So to you "abyss" I say lighten up....we'd be much happier people if you weren't so secretive about things so simple.

Lying is the most addictive action of man/women too. Once someone lies and gets away with it its all over. I mean where does it get you. It gets you to a place called "lonely" and the population stays at a steady 1. why is that? Because nobosy likes a person they cannot trust. Nobody wants to deal with a person that they have to watch over. Its crazy when someone is deemed a liar they lose the respectability of there peers, their over all comfort level is gone, and they burn bridges left and right. This act find you in more binds than you can break out of. So to you "liar" I say please stop its not worth it. I'm not here to hurt you but you insist on hurting me with your lies.

Holding back is sort of like putting people in the dark. But, when doing this 9 times out of 10 the other person has no idea your holding back info. People feel this is innocent. You always get the line you don't have to know, or why are you being nosey, or I don't have to tell you nothing. Those all hold true depending on the situation...but goddammit let me know in the first place where you stand on certain things. Why do you want to tell me 10 years later that you don't feel comfortable telling me. That just makes me feel like what your keeping from me will hurt me. But if you cared you'd open your mouth. So to you "withholder of evidence" I say....speak up I can't hear you!

Something about music

2005-02-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

There is something about creating music that makes me happy. I sit in front of an instrument and the essence of a kid just swells up inside me and my first impulse it not to play but explore. If Its drums Bang on them in unrhythmic bursts if something appeals to me I'll do it until the wheels fall off.

I swear when I am in my zone musically I can't be stopped. I lose my sight, i can't feel my legs, and my mind is just a blur of blues, reds, greens, ornages , and blacks. I am almost in a euphoric state. Until the beat stops...... I find myself drifting doing things I would not normally do. I could stand in my B-boy stance for hours when I'm creating. I could negate all outside forces for hours. I'm a man who lives for others but when it comes to music I'm a man who recognizes beats, ticks, samples, breaks, cuts, kicks, and bars.

Trying to figure out the meaning of music is impossible. It is so much like love in the sense that it will change its meaning when it comes to the individual listening to it. Funny enough I know people who do not enjoy music. Go figure. But it always baffles me how you can't its one of the most emotionfilled acts of human kind. Music without words can speak to your heart. Your heart beats to the same drum of certain song and once they find each other....possibilities are endless.

"I wish music would adopt me" - Erick Sermon

I found my pen.........

2005-02-18T15:11:00.000-05:00

AND GUESS WHAT?????

CHICKEN BUTT............

That’s what we do in society we find ways to play up stupid scenarios and just to get a laugh. We cut peoples height of enthusiasm for our own laughter and pleasure gains. Why? I don't know maybe it’s for pleasure purposes. I can never tell but it’s simply annoying to find people who create such a stir in you just to bring it down with one ignorant and bone head move. And when you consider them family it’s even worse. At times I may do it. Could it be the nature of humans? I don't know....but it sure does run rampant in our communities.....go figure.

GUESS WHY?????

CHICKEN THIGH..........

In a search for the answer's where questions haven't arisen, I think its time for people to stop making up answers. You don't have to kill someone because they beat up your brother and sister. I know I'm a hypocrite. Shit I'd fuck up the nigga who hit my family....but I know it’s not right to kill them. Even returning the favor isn't all that good. I mean we do need to defend but why go around creating and prolonging violence. Again I am a total hypocrite.....but I KNOW EHN THINGS ARE WRONG!!!!

GUESS WHO?????

Chicken BOO..............

As a lover/and a significant other what more roles must I play.......wait you want me to play daddy, you want me to play husband you want me to be your one and only? I tell you my dear I am not always sure I'm ready for anything.....but at anytime that these things arise let me be the first to suit up and charge into battle. People do not understand my love for what is "mine". I am never ready for any task I do, even if it went smoothly. But I'm the hardest worker and making shit work. I have been in this for 4 years people...more than I can say for some of my peers. I provide for myself and provide for the people who eat with me at night. Adding on me more mouth may hurt me....but damned if will kill me. It’s always been a thought of mine if I will ever be a daddy...if I am "GOD HELP YOU".... too many of my genes and the world will become what you call a mad house.

GUESS WHERE??????

Chicken Stare

A FEW WORDS: DON'T STARE AT ME UNLESS YOU’RE GOING TO FUCK ME. It’s that simple. I hate the timid person but I hate timid ladies more. Why don’t you approach me? I for one ain't walking over to you. It always feels like you want me to do you the favor....NOT GOING TOO. People these days in the most subtle of ways find themselves to be sexist. YES YOU. If you want something go get it. But Please don't stare unless you gonna FUCK ME!!!!!!!

GUESS WHEN??????????

I really don’ know but there is no time like the present.

I want to but.....

2005-02-18T09:39:00.000-05:00

I want to write in you, and tell you whats on my mind but I haven't summed up enough words to portrait or depict my mind.

Just not enough words!

To decide a path worth treading.....

2005-02-17T18:02:00.000-05:00

My favorite words in life are "listen up I got a story to tell". I always have something to say even if I'm reluctant to say them. I tend to be a person who will sit down and dissect things that are best kept the way they are. To me though.....evrything is ripe for the pickings. Everything deserves a few critical comment from "DeMo". I sit here and even now I find that my words are being critiqued....there is no mistaking my clutches.... mmmmwwaahhhhhhhaaaahaaaaa.

But you know what I really do have a story to tell. But in order to tell my story I need an audience. I want an attentive ear. I want a person taht all they do is listen to me and take me as I am and not only that realize that my talent is rich. I'm not a professional writer I am what you call a hobbyist. I'm far from an orator I am what you call an opportunist. I am far from a spectator I'm what you call life's analyst. In life even if you are nothing or if you are something you deserve an ear. One thing I'm not getting.

Who will listen to the cries of a troubled youth? Will you?

My story isn't allowed in schools it may be too graphic for children who watch terminator movies. May be too explicit for children who jerk off to there parents porno tape. My story has too much swear words, parents must apply advisory techniques on there children. I have not hte time for schools.

Maybe I should document it in film. But then again how real would it be. My life isn't hollywood, not an ounce of glam. I never wanted it to be...I hate papparazzi they too violent. I wouldn't sell a DVD on my life too boring...it's nothing you want to know about you want to know why....cause I'm an ordinary man!

Fuck it I'll just make it into a blog....

I'm feeling a bit woozy

2005-02-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling good today. I feel like I just need to lay in bed for a few days. But thats something I simply cannot do. I need to work to pay my bills and I need my off days for things more important than a tiny head cold.

Or is it a head cold. It actually isn't...I get strep more often than most. I have a problem with that actually. I have the virus laying dormant in me. Weird.....I think so. The doctors told me that if i ever stop taking my medicine the virus would come out again and cause strep.

Now I hate I absolutley loathe them but for medical reason I'm not taking my chances on just prayer or chillin at home waiting to die. That to me is beyond stupid. I've been living with this crap since 11...wish it would end...all of it.

2005 The year to connect

2005-02-14T17:12:00.000-05:00

You know I've never been the one to complain about things......(pausing for comedic approval)
But you know what I hate the constant running after people I'm interested it. Not talking about just interested in. I'm not just talking about the people i'm interested in sexually, I'm Talking about anyone I feel is worth of a phone call from me. You know I find it hard to swallow that a person would get lazy enough not to be able to call me like I call them or hit me up like I would call them.

I mean in terms of buisness wise people get mad at me for not calling them. My reply is simple if you want something bad enough to get mad at me then you should act like you want it. I hate the dog mentality that people get. At there subliminal beaconing I'm supposed to walk over to them and stand by them. Hells no this is buisness boy you wanna rock we can rock if not walk on.

Most people don't seem to have the decency to do it. So let me make this indecent proposal and say I ain't gonna gesture neither. Fuck you there are people out there hungrier than you. Fuck off! I'm just as hungry but if your hunger stops at the phone then mine stops @ the keyboard I can't fucks with the bitches. Cats Who need beats holla at me I'm not in it for the muthaffukkin games I'm in it for the music. I'm not ya bitch, don't make me turn into voltron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now on a personal tip...it doesn't make any sense that I have to Holla @ my friends just to figga out if they aight. No one calls me to see if I'm okay. I guess I'm too nice. I think I'm too nice......Fuck I know I'm too nice....I think I'm going to make it a point not to bother people unless they want to be bothered. People have that mentality where they get comfortable with calls. Fine fuck it don't call me I won't call you....that simple

Valetine's Day (another year)

2005-02-14T10:17:00.000-05:00

They say Cupid is the ruler of this day.....well his little bitch ass ain't seen the likes of me!!!!!!!!

You know I used to love this day....used to like the day....then I loved it again......then I liked it....
Sounds fickle but you know what it changes with my, at those times, current model of a woman/girlfriend. I mean don't get me wrong I'm far from shallow, but to have this day make sense you have to have the right components:

(man's stand point)

Sexy Girl..... is a must. Now she doesn't have to be super model quality. Nor does she have to be the hottest thing since fried chicken. What she does have to have is the personality, body, movements that you attracted to. You have to be remotely attracted to the person your courting.

A Common Respect: Now you can respect this person on many levels. You can be as shallow as to say you respect them just for there body or you can repect them for less palpable reasons such as emotional things. I usually repect the year's model because of something more than just their "ass"etts. I'm not going to waste my time on people who I cannot vibe with on a personal level. It's so annoying and a waste of a man's time to sit down with someone you don't connect with.

Romance: You have to be more or less a romantic. You don't have to be Don Juan Diego. Or Sir Lancelot but you do have to know your way around the ladies. Your sense of romance doesn't even have to emulate the one's depicted on the national stage of T.V. and Film/theatre. Just what ever makes you and your significant other happy. If you both dig playin video game and are more or less the ripp clothes and sex type. Then get a new game you both wanted play till you get horny enough and end the night with passion...sleep in all your wet spots and wake up with a smile.

Have to Have a Motive: Yup a motive. Everyone has a motive whether it be underhanded or innocent we all want what we want and will try to get it. The lengths we go through to get it depends souley on the person. I mean this day you chould have a goal. You want to fuck the shit outta ya girl...do it.... If you feel the need to be more sweet than sexual do you. Its that simple. We all have impulses.....do what takes your breath away!

MORE on IT IF I FEEL THE NEED TO TALK MORE!

Candid of me! Yes mor than you'll........

2005-02-10T14:42:00.000-05:00

I'm Sick, was sick, will always be sick.

@ age eleven i was diagnosed with Rhuematic Fever
(.... http://www.heartcenteronline.com/Heart_Threatening_Illnesses.html ....)

Rheumatic fever is a disease characterized by the inflammation of many connective tissues throughout the body, particularly in the heart, joints and central nervous system (the brain and spinal cord). Untreated, the damage will become permanent, at which point rheumatic fever has worsened to rheumatic heart disease, which can cause several heart problems. Rheumatic fever is related to inflammation of the heart caused by heart infections, such as pericarditis, myocarditis and endocarditis..... blah blah blah

Thats what I say now but it really isn't something to blow off.

"Untreated, the damage will become permanent"

^^^ WELCOME TO MY WORLD ^^^

I had the illness for 2 months before i was diagnosed. They thought is was my asthma bothering me. I was diagnosed with broncitis. Then when the heat rashes and welts started to appear; They thought i was allergic to cats and/or dogs ( had both at the time ) they gave me cream for that. Good move "Doc". And i should stay outta the sun.... wat the fuck..... people who know me will understand my logic.

When i finally was admitted to the hospital when i had a huge fever they hit me with the news. You have Rheumatic Fever. Not knowing what the hell it was i just thought it was a bad cold. So i took the IV's in and relaxed. Relaxing turned into fatigue and headache and a worsening physical state.

At this time the effets of the illness were starting to settle in. I was starting to feel things in me change. I was light headed/ dizzy at times. Fever was running wat the nurses called "a little high". I was always tired for some reason no one knew why. What i didn't understand was why would i have 3 doctors. what i found out (... Neuro, Cardio, and Pediatric ...) but why? They were there to help!!!! help wat? help me from getting hit with the after effects of the fever.... needless to say they SUCK.

I spent my whole eighth grade school year in the hospital or at home because of this stupid sickness. They even superimposed me into the year book. WTF!!!!!! I hated it. I felt it was the worst year of my life. No parties, no fun, no nothing. Just me and my books, beats, and writing utensils. That all i had. Parents hated game systems so i didn't have that and i didn't have a computer so home was hella boring. The hospital had all that so it was just as boring.....I wish i had a sexy nurse though.

To speed up things and not bore you with a sob story........I am a product of almost every possible lingering after effect of this sickness. I heart is enlarged and growing slowly but its growing. This may be a so what issue, but understanding anatomy you would know that at my age its not that good. I had a hole in my heart and 2 valves that don't work properly. The worst part about the valves were they were the mitrol and Aortic valves (those valves control the major flow of Carbon Dioxide and Oxygen respectively). Hence the notion of bronccitis, Hence doctors sucking!

The fever was high enough to effect my brain. Loss of motor skills on many levels. And i have memory loss and also my short term memory was effected.

I have Arthritis...I'm an old man before my time......

You know part of my story now....if you have questions just ask.

P.S. I died....lost life and was given it back....so how can I not be compassionate!

Living a life

2005-02-10T14:26:00.000-05:00

I've noticed something about myself. I'm special.

Not that mommy special, or that we are all special in the eye's of GOD special. I'm special like "motherfucka stop acting like we the same" special. I used to walk in my shoes as a n ordinary person. Used to not care for the next man, because the next man was essentially me. I still don't care for the next man, but i have an appreciation for there individuality. I respect the fact that the next man realizes that his style is his own i.e. wears baggy clothes like everyone else but knows what colors are for him. I respect when another man gets up to say something he beleives in, with conviction. He could say the dumbest thing, but he beleived in it so much he had to tell the known world. Most people cannot utter a sentence in fear of rejection.

I want people to respect me for reason's stated above and more. I'm not special to everyone but the person that it matters to the most is myself. I am losing track of the people i watch and study, it became passe. Passe because i studied them for all the wrong reasons. I looked at people to find out who they were in the world, but i should have looked at them as who they were in my world. I passed up on some good things because i lost sight of what was important to me. You live and you learn though. Cliche.....Yes.....makes sense...Hell yea. I would say fuck the next man......but that would make me just as GAY....(no offense)

What do you do when calling it quits?

2005-02-10T07:25:00.000-05:00

GROW UP

Its hard to find a person who can do that. I just recently called it quits with a friend of mine that i've had for years. Now its not like it was one thing and I used the proverbiale "fuck you" but more so a gradual seperation and the realization that maybe this isn't something we need now. We both have parts of our lives that need immediate care. And we both have a stubbourn mindset that will not allow us to neglect things of its nature.

I'm not mad at the situation...shit....it was healthy for the both of us. Do I disagree with the person? thouroughly! Do I respect this person? YES to the fullest! but they can't stop me from doing what I do. For the world isn't ready for me!

For once in a long time I find myself to be 300 punds lighter. Fortunately for me I really didn't lose that weight :D. But I just feel like I don't have a cancer, I don't have a tumor, I don't have a huge weight tied to my waste. I'm what you call a free bird.

I'm not mad.....just releived that a person in my life found out what i felt for a time and acted on it. Weather it was for his sake or mine it doesn't matter. I have a revolving door....be my guest to pass though it!

Writing

2005-02-09T14:23:00.000-05:00

I know I don't write as much as I should or want to, but I think I have a passion. At the worst times of my life a pen and a peice of paper seemed to do me well. That is the most portable release I have. I would do the music thing, but battery powered beat machines aren't something that i can tote around and not get "jacked" for.

When I write my brain seems to be ink. I misspell things, I don't use good grammar, I don't use spell check....I'm human. Human in the sense that i let myself go. In my mind there in no room for perfection. My mind understands that perfection is unattainable and isn't a realistic goal. What it does is it makes logical decisions in the realm of its own context.

I realize now that for me to actually be sane I have to have a keyboard, a pen, and a paper. What else do you need? My emotions aren't on my sleeve there on my pad. And, what better way to get to know me than to read what I write. No matter how abstract it all makes sense. You just gotta read between the lines.....fancy that huh?

PATS

2005-02-07T08:52:00.000-05:00

Following the Patriots' 24-21 win over the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl XXXIX, Willie McGinest held up a fresh copy of Patriots Weekly, the Lombardi Trophy three deep on the cover, with the word “Dynasty” written across them.

The Patriots might not throw that word around the locker room too much, but you can call them what they are. Feel free. Sunday's win over the Eagles seals the deal. We’ve got a big ol’ dynasty on Route One. Hey, Sox, you got next. Again.

“It’s another championship for the city of Boston and another championship for a great franchise,” said Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who wasn’t named the game MVP this time around. That distinction belonged to wide receiver Deion Branch, who tied a Super Bowl mark with 11 receptions.

After the game, Branch, who missed six weeks of the season with an injury, was grateful for his coaches not making the decision to put him on injured reserve.

“I tip my hat to those guys, because if I was on IR, I wouldn’t be standing here right now,” Branch said. “I’m just so happy to be a part of this team. It didn’t make a difference who won the MVP.”

Troy Brown was particularly happy for Branch.
“For him to come back and do what he did, that says a lot about the guy,” he said. “He wants to win.

In the first two New England Super Bowl wins, the MVP of course went to Brady, who wasn’t ready for all the dynasty talk.

“We’ve never self-proclaimed ourselves to be anything, we just love to play ball,” he said.
“Other people can talk about (it),” said Tedy Bruschi, who came up with a key interception in the game’s second half. “We don’t mind, but we’re just exited about what we’ve done right here, right now. It’s such a great feeling.”

There still wasn’t much talk after the game about Romeo Crennel’s impending departure. Crennel should be named the Cleveland Browns’ head coach tomorrow. Despite constant inquiries to the matter over the past week, McGinest said Crennel’s departure was never a distraction.

“All he cared about was 100 percent getting ready for this game,” McGinest said.

The coaching staff that has delivered three of the last four titles is splitting up, Charlie Weis already having accepted the head coaching position at Notre Dame.

"Right now I'm delighted. Forget about leaving right now, I'm going to be happy about this," Weis said.

Meanwhile, a soaked Bill Belichick stood at a nearby podium, the victim of a well-timed Gatorade dump.

“Man, that’s something we just hadn’t been able to do,” Bruschi said. “The last two came down to last-second field goals.”

That was all fine with Belichick.

“It’s when they throw things at you that you worry,” he said.
They certainly won’t be when the parade, another one, hits the streets of Boston sometime this week.

“Only one team ends up doing it, and we did it again,” Brady said.
Indeed.Again.

"I really don't know what to think right now," said running back Corey Dillon, who scored a touchdown in his first Super Bowl. "For the first time in my career I enjoyed every minute of the season. To actually come here and be the Super Bowl champions is awesome. This is what it's about. This is why I came here. The reward is great."

Just babbling

2005-02-04T09:28:00.000-05:00

Today I realized something. I am nothing like the next person. As a human you learn from your peers. But not many of us can get away from being our peers.

We walk around looking, studying, analyzing our peers. The only outcome is utter assimilation. Why do we do this? We find something we like and we try to make it part of us. But what we are isn't what we see (atleast not all the time).

I mean, when I was a kid I enjoyed dressing like my brother. We were real lady catchers :D. But then we broke outta that mold and styled ourselves to be who we are today. He became more urban and I mixed urban with prepy. We both enjoy our own taste and appreciate the others. But we do not dip into the others style because we think it looks good.

I understand the want for people to grow. But we grow at a cost. And the cost is our identity.
Are you willing to give up your identity for temporary happiness?

Who Walks Alone

2005-01-22T10:25:00.000-05:00

No one walks alone. Yet why do I feel like I do???

You know that picture that you always see and Big Mamma's house, you know what i'm talking about. Its that picture that had a man walking down the beach but there are two sets of footprints. One set is supposed to represent your journey through life and the other is supposed to be jesus walking with you. I looked at that picture and thought to myself maybe jesus just walks with kanye and people like that.

How can you live in a world full of millions, billions of peope and still lonely? Its weird that the fish you think are in the sea actually are all floating belly up to you. You see things as though you need glasses but refuse to go to the eye doctor. Is it my fault that the bigger picture is more important to me than the pettyness of life? I truly don't care if your birthday is tomorrow, I care that your alive for one more year. 365 days I treat you like a queen/king and one day I don't call make me a bad person. <--------this did not happen just a example.

I'm trying to be done with the bull my friends. If you ever feel lonely in a room full of people I feel your pain. Run with a nigga.....i'll keep up even if I keep slippin on the sand!

FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!

2005-01-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

Falcons over Eagles 24 - 10

Eagles flop big......not cause of mcnabb....after playing the noodle arms of the vikings I think they are soft too.....they have a false sense of security winning without T.O.......today i think there hopes will be crushed. The city of philly always rests there future on one player i.e. Mcnabb, Lindross, A.I.......As I won't enjoy this game....it should be a good one! Falcons rally after a tight game and send philly to there couches.

Vick vs. Trotter (the only man athletic enough to hang with vick)
Eagles Receivers vs. Themselves (it was this very game last year that they dropped 6-8 passes) Corey Simon + Javon Kearse vs. DVD (interesting match up....Corey can stuff the run........ "the freak" can pursue it)

Pats over Pitt 30 - 24

No matter the outcome this is the best game of the season. This is the only game outta the year where preparation meets heart. One team has alot of heart and the other has heart, preparation and big game experience.

On one side, you have a rookie quarterback who looks like, walks like, talks like, and throws like a rookie. But when things go his way looks like Elway in his prime. (during the draft they said this kid was best suited in the NFL as a starter right away) He shows the critiques weren't wrong. They have a Moster backfeild.....both power runners...non too speedy. They are bruising backs, but jerome bettis has been majorly bruised and so has staley can they hold up? They have 2 physical receivers but so different. Plaxico jumps and is tall, Ward is short but has strength to push around corners. And the Oline is marvelous. There defense is vintage cohwer defense.....athletic but sometime lost....but they have more heart than a lilbit.

The otherside, has a coach who COACHES his players. A montana like quarterback who seems to pull wins outta his ass (not alone), A hungry back who eats up yardage and clock like pac man, underrated recivers who play defensive backs and return kicks like nobodies buisness. And Coordinators who rock some people world and sometimes there universe. From top to bottom the Pats are solid! From Pioli, Belicik, Romeo, Weis, the players its ridiculous how they operate. No Bill isn't a player....but if the term vicarious means anything to you...it does to him. His players are an extention of his handywork. These players put aside there ego's took pay cuts and thought about the team. They thought about the fans. Patriots yes the most profitable team in sports....but also soon to be the winningest dynasty. This team has it all. and even if they don't win it all....they are staple in how to built a functioning franchise!!!!!!!

Pitt WRs vs. NE DBs
Dillion Vs. Pitt LB Corps.
Bettis + Staley Vs. Pats LB Corps.
Bethel Johnson Vs. Pitts Special teams
Cohwer Vs. Belicik

I'm a man

2005-01-20T02:22:00.000-05:00

Every morning we go through the motions of waking up 15 minutes later than expected, literally rolling out of bed, crawling to the lavitory, and opting to take or not take the necessary steps to hygeine before we go through our daily routines. But do we stop to look into the proverbial/literal mirror and try better ourselves?

I know I do! I wake up and my first impulse is to try to remember yesterday and change today befor eit happens. If I succeed in this its all good....but if i don't I love the challenge of growing as a person. But alass I'm a man and as a man my psycological tendencies drive me towards procreation and protection. I know it sounds primitive but hey...all insticts are right? Wrong that only some of my impulses and what I'm trying to better.

1.) SEX -- love that shit to death!!! I love fucking, sucking, freaking, rubbing, grabbing etc. (TO A WOMAN). I love the sex that comes at a weird time.....movie theatre...restaurant bathroom.....school bathroom during classes or between classes....
I love the sex that happens for 30 minutes but it was that shit that just makes you smile...
I love the sex that can make you forget the last word you said after you got fucked hard.....I love sex!!!!!!!!!
I've been told I'm good but then again I always want to be better. Longest time was clocked at 3 hours and some change. Like to beat that record ;)....then again who cares! Sex is supposed to be satisfying......quality over quantity......if I could rock a woman's world in 10 minutes does that make me wack??? schiiit I'd rather rock your world then have you read zane books while i'm fuckin you from the back

2.) Relationship with others -- I like to state my opinion on things, but people don't see m to understand my logic. Most people take advantage of my words and tend to blow them out of proportion. But then again its not there fault. Its mine. I need to work on speaking clearer...maybe dumb down for folks...have to realize no one is like me and thus my language is primitive to most.....

3.)Last but not least -- My perception of others -- I look at people and everytime i see faults. Not a bad thing, until i find out that what there faults are not trying to better themselves. I sometimes, and this is truly, think people wake up and go about there bizness. But i have to understand people are just like me sometimes and want to get out of the rat race howeva they can. People aren't stupid.....people are people! they have fault like me and assumptions show my faults! so to u I tell you.....repect and be respected!

Corny

2005-01-11T16:11:00.001-05:00

I found out today that no matter what age you are your peers will stay CORNY. I'm not talking about...ur not funny "CORNY"...I'm talking about shuddup corny -or- you try too hard "CORNY". I mean damn how long does it take for you to grow up. No, i'm not saying be a tight ass but choose your spots. People are so stern faced all the time, too playful all the time, too rude all the time.

If you remember "The Score" by that oh so famous hip-hop group, the FUGEES. They had a song about "masks". We all wear one at different times. There point was that people wear theres for too long and get in trouble. That's my point as well. If you beleive that being CORNY will work for you.......good luck. Not a person on earth will stand there and not make you transparent. People wear too many masks as well though. This is good but when you have no idea what mask to wear @ certain times you confuse yourself on your own identity. Everyone wants to wear masks....what happened to being yourself.

Everyday I talkt to new/old people in my life. Everyday this becomes more evident. May it be a peer online or in real life, people seem to stay corny. They feel as though when they step somethere its cool. Well i think i'ma change my demeanor. I won't be easy going anymore...people have shown me they don't deserve that...so what i will do is just me @ a more contained space!

Our infatuation with self

2005-01-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

I KNOW........I KNOW

Be happy to be yourself.
Be happy for what you have

Truth be told i am happy with myself.......I love myself....some might say too much, but i think its just right. Sometimes though you have to look at yourself in the mirror and want to change something. this something could be how you eat or treat people. Today I chose my physique. Cliche, yes it is. Easy, no its not.

Right now i weigh *** lbs and thats soaking wet...my goal is to be *** lbs of muscle. Its a small goal but i wanna get there. Not for anyone else, just for myself. Like I said I love myself. So if this isn't a new years resolution I don't know what is.

But you may ask me, why haven't you done this already? Answer is, I'm a sick kid....been that way for 10 years now. Everyone has there sob stories....I have mine. I just have a few medical conditions that limit me a lil.....alot....fine they limit me to do that muscle building shit. I'm starting not to care. I don't want to have a kid that by the time they are 5 they could whoop my ass. I'm straight on that.

What's Irking me!!!!!!!!!!

2004-12-30T17:23:00.000-05:00

1.) People......I know I know "THAT'S SUCH A GENERAL STATEMENT" but its the truth.

I haven't had too many times when I was so fed up with people, but today is an exception. I don't know what it is. People rant and rave about what they have as if they are they are mocking me to tell me, "ha ha you ain't got what I got" , my only reply is "I don't care"..... But I do! I care about what they have. Its not because of envy, greed, lust and such. I care about what they have for awareness purposes....Awwwww who am I kidding I want that shit. I want there timeshare homes, I want there cars, shit I want there women, but I don't want it because I'm happy. I love my cozy apartment, I love my Khara who's the sexist beast this side of the U.S., and I love my womenz......woman........girl.....wife.....u know what i mean. But do you see how confusing it is? To want but not want. To see with your eyes closed. To imagine the unthinkable when your thinking about the unimaginable. Its stressful to walk down the street not thinking about your steps but more over what other peoples steps are. My problem stems from me. How can a person control there impulses? Easy go smoke a cig, get laid, workout......all temporary solutions......hey I got one....GET MY OWN SHIT!

But its not only what these idiots have it how they act. Can you imagine you working at a library and a person yelling at you because they owe you 10 cents for an over due book? The sad part about that is that I just saw you nod your head. Its ridiculous that people would actually do that but you know they do. I can't stand the fact that people have such a chip on there shoulder that they feel they can be condescending to people. Your not better than me, yet you act like it. People need to check that shit at the door. If you feel its anywhere near healthy to be a bitch, ass, dickhead to someone...check ya bloodpressue then look up cuz i think you will be in awe when you see a fist fly at mach 3 at ya chin. CHIN CHECK NIGGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatever crawled in ya bed and dies or whoeva shitted in ya cornflakes get ova it!

2.) My Music

If my name hasn't already suggested it I do music. I compose and write music for artists. Fun jobuntil it becomes a job. I used to have fun with this thing but now people are haveing more fun with me that i got with them. It sucks!!!!! Have i lost my passion? nah.....i can still rock forever.....but i need to do it on my terms. I am currently reassessing the situations I've been in and trying to extract the best out of them and strengthen that.....and what wasn't good will defiantly b restructured and changed......Do I smell new years resolution.........NO.....New demo resolution. It is not just talk. I really want to be better, not only in my music but also my relationships with the artists i work with. a challenge yes but not to big for me!

3.) My world

All I have to say about what irks me about my world is who's in it.......and who's not.....Its too polluted!

HOLLA

Kwanzaahanuchistmas

2004-12-25T17:38:00.000-05:00

Hey,

So its Christmas, Kwanzaa, hanuka season/day/week. Feels good to have a day off.....Bahumbug!!!!!

As I said in the last post, I lost the magic. I want to be happy seeing people open my gifts, the ones I got elbowed and stomped for in the mall. But, something inside me seems to stop me from smiling. I know they like it, I like that they like it, but now i feel like its to vanilla/robotic.

I feel like the day will come where I will implode when it comes time for me to buy love. I love people so much that I expect the feeling to be tranfered through the material items. Love, in general, is infectious it does not descriminate; and its free. So why have presents become the icon of social gatherings.

I still think that gifts are just a perk. But we use them as a driving force of our holiday spirit. Everything gets commercialized even our souls. But we do nuthing and invest what we work hard for in gifts! To make someone happy is to buy them the gift of the year! But, without christmas what makes us happy. I tell you it normally isn't gifts. But we make it so 4 days a year, or more, are set aside for enormous spending!

When I was a kid the main focus was the jolly white man on his chair at the mall. He had posters, billboards, ads in the paper. The man had everything from magazine spreads to cereal. Now its all about whats under the tree. The Jolly man dies in this movie....thats sad right?

Nope its not sad!!!! Homeless people die everyday....we don't care we're still living....right? Thats how we treat our christmas spirit, our kwanaa spirtit, our Hanuka spirit. All people are gift driven and you can hate me for saying it! Christmas one day of presents, Hanuka and Kwanzaa a week or more of gift getting. And all the black, christian jews have a list of things they want. No amount of the Bible, Torah, or Corn/maze...will tell us that gifts aren' that important.

As I sit here updating my blog i look around my cozy apartment and say;
thank you for this computer, for my entertainment center, for the plants I neglect always and often. Thank you for my loved ones, friends and family, my bed that has its imprint of me so I can sleep well at night. The carpet that has stains of way too many superbowl parties. My keyboard I rock beats on like a madman. My fridge that is happy stocked evey six months. I love my life and the people/things in it. I'm happy...I need nothing else.

Christmas...BAHUMBUG

First post

2004-12-24T10:23:00.000-05:00

You know you never know what to talk about until you start writing .....and people thats what I'll do!!!!!!!!

From now on I will just talk about what my pen/fingers/mind want to talk about.

Christmas eve.....for the children?

Yes and no......

I lost my passion for christmas, x-mas, kwanzahanumas!!!!

I think its for the kids. Thay have the magic. I now live outside myself. My neices, nephews, and cousins; its all for them. They deserve to wake up early and have new stuff. I on the other hand have been bad....tomyself and who i love....my lump of coal will be my crdit card bill....and my chec that seems to have characteristics of DSS payments.

I like the smiles of the children on that day. Thats what i'm happy about. growing older you realize that all you were living for was that moment. I now have realized that i can't live for those material items. Its about who i'm with and who i'm there for.

So you know what all I want for xmas is my family!

I'll drink to that one will you?

Mind of a producer

Fantastic Voyage

A write up for Grafh I did for hiphopsite.com

My weekend.....

you know I don't what I want to write today so I'll just write this one!

SO you WANT me TO mention YOU

Ajar the door is...... creep I must

So I'm Insubordinate

New Blog

Love this post

you've changed......

Reparations

RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE

Room to grow......

after I said I would.... I am

after I said I would.... I am

The thought of you.....

forever and a day

Ha.... a funny... at least to me....

When people think......

NOPE

today

The formalities of this and that.....

So I'm at a fork in the road...

You don't want me.... You only love me for my music

JIN

The move.....

OK.....

Question

I'm a gambling fool

Before I go to work

Aesop Rocks!!!

2nd crack @ 'it'

Conversation with a friend..... yea thats you!!!

HA!!!

My weekend......

@ Work ......

For a friend.... ??????

The Look out......

Contemplating a move.

Just cuz no body appreciates a thinker

Been around the world and ay yie yie

Poem

SHIK SKIDDACK BOOOM!!!!

TWINDLING MY THUMBS

Just me and me

Self Evaluation

Slackin on my pimpin'

Family

Hello Blog.......

I miss you....and other thoughts

Don't take advantage.....

Its Nice To Happy

Random thoughts......

Song I'm feeling SO much..........

Shady bizness

Smiling today

Artist are people too

HAven't been here in a while

Afraid of a man in a cape

Aim a little higher

This took me forever

**** Breaking News ****

I lost it

People you want....

Transparent desires

Something about music

I found my pen.........

I want to but.....

To decide a path worth treading.....

I'm feeling a bit woozy

2005 The year to connect

Valetine's Day (another year)

Candid of me! Yes mor than you'll........

Living a life

What do you do when calling it quits?

Writing

PATS

Just babbling

Who Walks Alone

Breaking News